Goodbye 2008

Ok, this might be rambling and long, as opposed to my tightly wound previous posts. First some random thoughts on the cusp of the New Year ( or new year depending on how you want to approach it )

1. Why are local people always so intent on telling you that 50 below zero isnt all that cold? Its cold ok? I get hometown pride, I really do. And as I type this its 48 below zero. And all the long timers keep telling me... " wait till it hits 60 below. THATS cold." My response? FUCK YOU.
When your snot freezes its cold..ok?

2. 2008 was a mixed bag...but if I was going to grade it for me Id say it was a D- Alot went wrong, and I ended up in Alaska. Good? Bad? Only time will tell, but overall the year sucked on ice. 2009? Well I certainly welcome the chance to have a better year.

3. New Years Resolutions. They stink If you want to lose weight, or quit smoking or whatever, you can do it March as well as January. Resolutions are mindless chatter for mindless people.

4. New years Eve. Overrated. An organized circle jerk so hotels can charge you 12 bucks for 2 dollar bottle of cold duck. As if Christmas wasnt fraught with enough family time, we need another day to have to throw a party? I say you stay home..play Yahtzee and fuck alot...but thats just me.



Ok This post is over More later

X-Mas

Ok, it would be easy to get all mawkish about it being Christmas day and being far away and blahh blahh blahh. Im not gonna do it. Instead I am going to talk about the here and now. I am still being snubbed by my cousin, but I trudge on. I have a job to do, and thats get my life back together. And no one is going to stop me in that pursuit. I have a child who is depending on me and for his sake alone I will stick it out. I committed to a job and unless she fires me, which she can't do, cause she desperately needs me, I am here to do that job. It is very cold here,but I hear that back home you guys got nailed with a few inches of the white stuff. I would say I felt bad, but its going to be 12 below for a high here today, so there!!.

Christmas seaon here is like anywhere else. Cheesy advertising..year end blockbuster sales...downtown decorated with way too many lights and reindeer. So I guess home IS where the heart is, eh? We wont have sun for another 90 minutes and that part is wierd. They celebrate the Winter Solstice ( 2.6 hours of daylight ) like it was a good thing. I guess its not a bad idea to look your enemies in the eye, laugh at them and buy them a drink. At least you gotta admire their heartiness and resolve. Oh Well.

I am eating some Christmas cookies given to me be a co-worker. It was sweet that she gave them to me. And best of all..they are tasty and good. Wash 'em down with some egg-nog and its a festive event no matter what your zip code is.

Anyway, I have to get to my other cousins house for brunch soon. I miss all of you very much, but I am going to be fine. Merry Christmas to everyone ( and to Poncho..Happy Christmachannaquanzica ) and put some good vibes into the universe for me.

The Quality of Love

All I am going to say here is that real love is unconditional.... and if you need to look up the definition of unconditional, well maybe you should just move the fuck on

Not a happy camper

I am, as I write this, not a happy camper. For a million reasons I guess. I am angry at myself first and foremost. I am angry that I am even angry in the first place. My first real mistake is thinking that just cause people are old, they are grown up. I mean fuck, my own life should be a clue that thats not true. 6 or 65 people are subject to temper tantrums. I am too I suppose. I am fighing wars on many fronts, and thats a surefire way to lose a lot of wars. Just ask our soon to be erstwhile President. In many ways I have grown up, and in some I am still a child. But I am not alone in this way. Now child -like is good. Its never a good idea to become so adult that we lose the joy in our life. And I know people who are this way. But childish isnt good. We, and when I say we, I include myself, becuase I am as guilty as anyone, cant admit we are wrong. And one of the truest or all the true-isms out there is Pride goeth before the fall. I mean how hard is it to look at someone we care about and say I was wrong..Im sorry, and just move the hell on? But we dont. We hem and haw and obfuscate and deny guilt. But there is another side of the coin to this little 2 act play. How hard is it to appreciate the effort someone puts into an apology and forgive them? And not gloat? And think we have the upper hand? Well, my cousin is pissed at me again. Now all of you know the last time she got pissed I had to kiss her ass. It was easier because I understood how she could have gotten upset. So I was the bigger person, ( and lord knows its easier to be bigger when someone holds your financial existance in their hands. ) and said I was sorry. This time I did no wrong committed no crime, other than being smarter than her and saying I did not agree with her. Thats all I said .Fin. End of conversation. If she is embarassed, or feels put off because I am right and she is wrong I dont know, because..drumroll please...she isnt talking to me. But this time I am not apologizing..paycheck be dammed. She is acting like a 9 year old who had her pig tails dunked in the inkwell. If it puts a damper on my purpose here, then so be it. It will be her loss. I will admit my wrongs and I have and those who have been wronged know I have. Its never easy. But when you understand that life isnt about getting an upper hand, but co-existing on a level plane, it becomes palatable. And if you arent capable of seeing this..well then I have no use for you. So if someone wants to send this post to my cousin, go ahead. To quote a talented but scuzzy rock and roll chick " Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose " I came to Alaska with pure intentions, but I will not sacrafice whats left of my self respect and dignity. Most of that is already gone anyway.

Fresh Horses for my Men

Like I said, I like to have fun when I title my posts....anyway, I dont like alot of people. And I used to hang on to my anger, but if I am learning anything 4000 miles away from home is that I cant afford to do that. I am here for while anyway, and I just have to make the best of it. But also, I think that I am getting smarter too. Life is too short to be pissed at people. No on the flip side, many people dont like me, and I have no say so in how they dispense their anger or frustration, but my plea to anyone who keeps all these little battles going is STOP. It messes with your digestive system, not to mention, your mind. Anyway, I dont mean to pontifiacte. I have no basis to be able to tell anyone anything. But a guy can hope. I am learning to ask myself if anything is worth being angry over for more than a few minutes. I can't answer that for my readers, but as for me, from here on out, I am going to try not to let the bullshit ruin my day. There are enough real things to fret over in life to hang on to the trivial.

Swing and a miss

Well, off all the things I am learning everyday, the most important thing is that the current situation can and will change on a dime. Just when I have a good day, I piss someone off, and just when I think I cant stand eing here another minute, something good happens. Probably has been happening all my life, but I was too stupid to notice, much less care. Without wheels of my own I remain a shut in who works sleeps nbowls and has to bum rides from everyone. Until I secure a car I can forget about chicks. " Hey can I buy you dinner..and can you drive? " just isnt all that suave. And I need all the help I can get in the first place. So the nights remain long and lonely.
But most of that seems to be self inflicted. And some has to to with others I guess too. But we make the choices that affect our lives in the end, so my situation is mostly my own fault.

Weekend doings

Ok first things first. I bowled Friday night, but this time I had my own equipment. No pink house ball and rental shoes. I bowled a 127 146 153. My average continues to climb slowly so I am sorta proud of that. Yesterday was a fun day. My cousins were worried that I wasnt enjoying the local entertainment scene, so they took me out for shopping, Chineese food and a semi-semipro hockey game. The Fairbanks Ice Dogs at the Big Dipper. Its just what it sounds like. Rowdy raw and high energy. Kids ( 20-25 yrs old ) playing for 50 bucks a game wearing jerseys with the local print shop's name or Gene's Chrysler Jeep. Stuff like that. It was a chippy game won by the Ice Dogs against the Kenai Brown Bears 2-1 in OT. Building holds 3000 people and it was pretty full for a Saturday Night. All the local gimmicks. T-Shirt cannon, raffle drawings and the like. Fairbanks has plenty to do if you have the chance. I lack the cash and the transportation to see the town right, but that will come.

My Old Man

I have been thinking aout my dad alot recently. That will happen when you are desperately lonely & 4000 miles from anyone who gives a fuck about you. Anyway, if you were lucky enough to have known my dad, well then you know they dont make them like that anymore. On my best day I am not 1/10th the man he was. And frankly ( no pun intended ) I dont know too many men who are either. He cherished his family first and last. He worked his ass off so that our family had whatever we needed and most of what we wanted too. His idea of love was food and shelter and a new bike and whatever else his snotnosed kides wanted. He did not tell me he loved me very much but it was never an issue. When you fell down and hurt yourself he yelled at you because he didnt know how to make it better. He went to work sick or with broken ribs or whatever. He was relentless that way. It came at a price though. He wasnt the play catch kinda dad or take ya to the fishing hole dad either. I did see many roller derby's and AWA wrestling matches that most kids would have loved to have seen these days. I met Bobby Heenan and Ivan Kolov ( not a native Russian in case you were wondering ) and even Jesse Jackson when my Mom wanted me out of the house on a Sunday. He provided more wisdom from his glider in the back yard than any 5 phillosophers ever could have. He was as prejudiced as the day was long and also treated his women loike china dolls. But other than one of his dickhead brothers, I never met anyone who didnt love him. Like I said, on my best day I wasnt worthy to light one of the cigarettes that killed him. To this day, I cant think of bad thing to say about him. How many people can you say that about. When he died they had to wake him for 2 days so that everyone who's life he touched could say goodbye. I wonder what he would say about his youngest son living 4000 miles from his family. Would he be angry? Proud? Some days I think I can answer that. Today I am struggling for an answer.

Random

Ok here are some random thoughts I need to get out....

1. Did anyone else grow up thinking they would be someone and realize about age 26-27 that they were just a mundane pile of rhino snot like 99.9% of the rest of the world?

2. If they made a movie of your life who would play you? Im thinking either John Goodman or Jim Belushi....... any comments?

3. Is it OK for guys to like candles? I like them so for me the answer is YES

4. If you could go back to any 1 day in history and be a part of the event what would it be? I would have liked to have been in Philadelphia the day they signed the Declaration of Independence. Not be a signer or anythig like that, just have been in the room when they signed it.

Bang The Drum Slowly

Music can really affect my life. I may feel shitty and hear a song that turns it all around for me. A note will strike sweet in my ear and a mood can do a 180 degree turn. Now...I hate most new music, but you will hear a song on the radio from time to time that touches you. The song that did it for me recently was In this Life by an Ausie Hottie named Delta Goodrem. She looks like a Trisha Yearwood/Heidi Klum mix and man can she sing. But the lyrics touched me. Check it out and see if it does the same for you

Just what are we capable of?

How expensive is money? What is our soul worth? Do we even have a fucking soul to sell, or auction or give away? And just who sets the market price anyway? I ask because just when we think we reached our limit to deal with the crap flung our way we find that reserve tank. Kinda like 1960's Volkswagon Beatles. I have moments when I wonder just what the fuck I am doing up here, and if I havent made the third biggest mistake of my life. Then that is followed by clarity and a peace that maybe you will make it work afterall. Then I wonder just what I did with the first 47.2 years of my life, and what am I gonna do with whatever time the universe will grant me. Then..........I pass out from all that thinking and wake up in FAIRBANKS. And I take a leak, have a smoke and get back to my job. Like everybody else, except maybe I contemplate more than the average Joe....who knows? And probably more importantly Who cares?

It was only a matter of time

This picture came from the University of Alaska Fairbanks Student Center. I guess the women of the university grew tired of my all night peeping

I want answers

You know, I look at alot of internet porn. In fact I look at enough porn for 10 guys, but who decided that a naked girl pourng milk over her tits was sexy? I've seen it 1000 times and all I think is " what a waste of mik " Same with sand. A naked girl with sand sticking to her ass or whatever is not a sexy look for me. Now I will admit I am not a water/beach kinda guy, but the sand does nothing for me. I just thought my readers would want to know that

Crow Cliche's and Cold Medicine

Sometimes when I blog the best part is naming the post. I dont know why, sometimes I crack myself up. Anyhoo, I made nice with the person Im offended. Turnes out they were more scared than pissed off. I have brought this up before, but the older I get the more the cliche's end up being true. Maybe its because I am far from home base, and I am paying more attention, and therefore paying attention to the callings of the universe. Maybe..maybe not. But when I break during the day to smoke and enjoy some of the ever shrinking daylight hours we get ( today we had less than 3 hours between official sunrise and sunset. Jesus H Christ ) an old wives tale urban legend or cliche will pop into my head. Of course then I wonder if I will ever live to see the day when " A stitch in time saves nine " is proven.

I have a cold. A nasty one. But calling in sick is not an option. I am too new to the job to do that so I load up on Ibuprophen and Dayquill. It gets me through the day is all I can say. It makes sleeping difficult, but with 30-40 degree temp swings each day its easy to get sick.

I am frustrated on my job because thinking is not encouraged. Employees are taught to do everyday tasks and when anything requiring though occurs we are to ask for help. I am not sure of the genisis of this management style, but it is frustrationg to be sure. I am not a johnny come lately, and I have brains to spare, but its not a quality that is revered in my job. Oh well. The paychecks clear the bank so I guess I should shut the fuck up.

Walking in others shoes

First of all, before I begin to pontificate, I bowled really well Friday 146 142 178. Just wanted to get that out there. I have a big mouth. And whats worse I have a quick big mouth. I would save myself, as I am sure we all would, if we waited 5 seconds to think about what we say before we say it. But what really hacks me off is when people take offense to things yousay that were not even remotely offensive. So you have to swallow your pride, eat some crow, and apologize when you have nothing to aplogize for. I had this happen to me recently, and for the life of me I cannot understand how I offended. But I did. Its frustrating. But we dont get to speak and interpret our words. Sure, sometimes things come out wrong, or get twisted in the translator, but for a guy who has had to go hat in hand to people many times, this time I am puzzled. Oh well, live and learn.

I am still stymied by not having a car, and it makes life tougher than I think it needs to be. But I cannot afford one, so I grab rides where I can. Its not my nature to burden others, but I have no choice. Again..I am frustrated. But options are limited. Maybe in time I will be able to buy a junker. We will see.

Well I need to get ready for work. I work everyday and in alot of ways it has saved me from going crazy. or has it? Again tme will tell

A tiger in your tank

Each day is a learnig experience and a journey. I am learning to take nothing for granted. I havent always lived this way, but its becoming a way of life for me. I learn alot but its comming slowly. I am frustrated because I cant fly, but I forget I have to learn how to walk first. I want to be a success so badly I can taste it, but you cant buy knowledge....you have to just fucking learn.
I have learned this however. If you hang with bitter negative miserable people you become bitter negative and miserable. Trust me, it happened to me. You have to be carefull who you cast your lot with. We get blinded by the sizzle. We lose track of who and what is important. Why? Because we want to belive and we want to think we are above all the shit. But we arent really. At least Im not. I dont want to speak for others. I fall for whats not important. What does that make me? Shallow? Empty? Or am I human? You can judge me but look inward before you do ok? We all make mistakes right?

Ya gotta wonder sometimes

Ok I havent posted in a while for various reasons. But here I am for those who still care. Life deals you surprises, or what you think at the time are surprises. When you reflect back, you realize that the surprise should have been expected. Now, I am not claiming perfection by any means. In fact I struggle for mediocrity most days. You wonder why you did what you did, or why you felt the way you felt. You pay a price so steep sometimes you wonder why you ever got involved in the first place. I recently was presented with life's bill for some past errors. I take full responsibility, but you have to wonder why the fuck you do what you do sometimes. My circle gets smaller every day, and some of my chickens have come home to roost. You try to do what is right, but our emotions get the best of us at times. But, in the final summation, I have decided that life is too short to worry about that crap. You pay your bill, and you move on. As I stated in an earlier post, you always have casualties in a war, and the body count in my personal war with life gets bigger every day. I have dissapointed many people in my life. Some just once and others over and over and over and over and so on. But as we say in recovery..If you have one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow you are pissing on today. And when the dealing is done, as Kenny Rogers said, there will be time enough for counting. I have apologized my whole life to those I have wronged. I have come to the conclusion that some people are just gonna hate you no matter what you do. I no longer have the energy for those people. I came here to start over, but starting over has to be more than just a symbol. It requires real change. I stand at the chasim of yesterday and tomorrow. I refuse to piss on today anymore. It just takes too much outa me.