Its been a while, but.....

I know I havent blogged in a while, but my truck died today. I have made and spent alot of money in my life...pissed most of it away, thats for sure, but the $200 I spent on this piece o' shit truck I bought on January 23rd 2009 may have been the best money I spent. It truely saved my life, I think. That night, I re-gained the abilty to come and go as i saw fit. I had been bumming rides from my cousins, and borrowing their vehicles to buy food and stuff, but the night I bought the truck, I was no longer a burden to them. I didnt need to borrow their cars or bum rides anymore. I was free.

Today, I will need to scrounge up a plan to get through my remaining time up here with some sort of vehicle. I am uncertain today of what to do. I can get through the next few days without a car......I hope

Cinco De Mayo

Its May 5th in the big Northwest. Part of me thought Id be home by now....there were days, well if you read this, and I have no idea why you would, when I was ready to pack it in. Eddie was a nice counter-balance to my whinning sometimes. He would remind me to cash the checks and shut the fuck up already. And if you know Eddie like I know Eddie, its his strongest play. Then there is my own self esteem and worth. I said I would stay, and so far I have. Satina hasnt gotten any better. If anything, she has become more boorish and critical as the days pass. I still cant get her to let me do anything of any worth around here. So I remain a chimp...but the checks do clear the bank ( we get paid today after 2:20 yeah ) and Fairbanks isnt the worst place to live. There is little chance of me making any money at home until the economy rebounds, so I am stuck up here. My $200 truck still runs and my apartment is clean if not fancy.

Toby I am a little short..can I borrow 125,000.00 for lunch

Cable TV

Wow..after 5 nights in my new digs..which Ive already described as cheaper, I forgot how much I missed real TV. I have MSNBC now, Keith Chris Rachel Ed I missed you guys so much. I have Comedy Central now, welcome home John. I have ESPN-2 Dana, good to see you.

I know its a small thing..petty some might say, but for guy 3700 miles from home with a crippled computer still, who knows NO ONE in town, good cable TV is like manna from heaven.

Anyway, I know I moan bitch and pontificate here alot. Today, however I am joyous and grateful. All because of Good Cable TV.

I guess it is life's little things that make the difference.

Did you know there is a show where they have a roving moderator who goes into the audience for questions about cheating girlfriends? Tell me..these people don't vote do they?

59 - 41

Ok I am a Democrat. Always have been always will be. Todays news of Arlen Specter bolting the GOP to become a Democrat almost made me weep. He has always been moderate, and as the Republicans moved hard to the right, he seemed more and more like a fish out of water.
I applaud the man today, not because I approve of his move, which I do, but to do so in a climate of Fox News and the Weekly Standard. He will get bashed as a traitor by Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter, so you gotta like his conviction and gumption. His only black mark was his stance on the Warren Commission, believing that Oswald acted alone in the assassination of JFK. But if Arlen can change parties, I can forgive a 45 year old mistake.

Now we just need to get Al Franken seated and the Obama Administration can hit the skies.

A Gift to Remember

I have received many wonderful gifts in my life. I still have some, and some perish, or get lost, or have been outgrown. I have a bowling pin on my desk at home autographed by the Cast of " ED" that is a cherished possession. But last night I was reminded of a gift I received on my 40th birthday. It was a phone call from John Powers. He is a Chicago author who wrote 4 books about growing up Irish Catholic in the city. The books cover 1st grade through adulthood, and I have always loved the man's writing. His 3rd book, The Unoriginal Sinner and the Ice Cream God is my all time favorite book. I have it in Hard Cover, and softcover. I lent out a paperback to a friend years ago and he never returned it, so when I got the chance to re-acquire it, I covered my ass. Anyway, my sister arranged to have an autographed copy of his 4th book The Junk Drawer, Corner Store, Front Porch Blues sent to me, and minutes after she gave me the book the phone rang and it was John Powers. Well after I soiled myself, I spent the next 30 minuites gushing over his bokos and asking him who what where when and why questions about the charecters in this or that book. When did Caepon die? Why did Tim Conroy die? Did Leonard Cohen ever become a Doctor? The call lasted about 40 minutes if I recall, and my head buzzed for hours afterwords, wondering if it had really happened. It really was like a phone call from God for me, and that 40 minutes is a fixture in my personal Hall of Fame.

Shedding a tear...

Eddie The Basque, who in real life, is of course none other than Mike Tyson, has reminded me of a sad reality. My 1997 Jeep Grand Cherokee is being junked. Its beyond repair...past its prime..over the hill..it has expired..gone to meet it maker...it is no more....it is an Ex-Jeep ( You're welcome Monty Python Fans ) It is a sad day. If you know me you know I know 2 things about cars. Where to put the gas, and how to change the radio stations. But I loved this vehicle. I fit well in it. We drove about 165000 miles together. Alex has been driving it while I am here, but it was on its last legs. I am genuinely sad about the loss of my Jeep. It will quite a whuile before I can afford another one. I have no love of cars..racing or any of that shit...but I did love this car.

Oh well..it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have.....ah fuck it. Goodbye old friend.

( A Moment of silence please...........Taps playing............21 gun salute..........and ....its gone )

Reflections

I am moving into my new digs and I find myself mad at myself. The new place is smaller and not as bright, but has better cable, includes all the utilities, and is 100 do-ne-oh-ni-ohs a month cheaper. I dont know why I didnt move here back in November. I would have saves some coin, I wouldnt have security deposits all over the place, and wouldnt have to spend my evening carrying shit to and from each dwelling. Ah..if stood stiff in the corner, as an old friend of mine used to say.

I have obviously made the decision to stay in Alaska for a while. Looking back on my six months here it could have gone smoother. I havent bitched about Cuz' recently. Its not becuase she has gotten any better. She was/is/and always will be BRUTAL. Everything in this place is my fault. I shoulda..I coulda..I need to..I shouldnt....FUCK it get old. She even attacks decisions I make in my personal life. Where I live..what I drive..stuff like that. I could write a book. Or better yet, make a movie with Queen Kong in the title role.......hmmmmmmm I smell a 3 picture deal here

Lost Data

My Laptop crashed the other night......and so I havent had the chance to post....I have been pretty much obsessed with getting it back up. I lost alot of fucking programs. Some stuff will be irreplaceable. " Well surely you had a back up....right...asshole? " you may be asking yourself. Well if I had the brains to have backups I wouldnt be in Alaska in the first place.....Think about it.

My sister-in-law has done yeomans work to get me back up and running sort of. I still have many programs to re-load.....all kinds of re-builds to do....and stuff that I have never even heard of.

I am in the midst of changing dwellings this week, and this PC crash was the last fucking thing I needed. Oh well.....like the universe gives a rats ass what I need.

( Singing ) You make me Egg Foo Young....you make me feel there are songs to b sung..and everytime that I do...........you make me feel so young...... ( ending with the old soft shoe )

A Guy I Know

I dont know what made me think of him today, but there is a guy I know named Phil Baharndt. He used to be a client of mine, but now he is the Used Car King of Fargo ND. The guy can sell cars like anything........He is a great cook, and one year long ago, he had me over for Thanksgiving dinner. It was my second one of the day, having spent the first one with my Sister. I was in between marriages at the time, and I think he felt sorry for me. Anyway, and again I dont know why I am recounting this story, he made an oyster stuffing with andouie sausage that was to die for. I can recall him telling the story of how he cooked the stuffing outside the bird, so that he didnt end up killing anyone. His best friend Joe Bethersonton was there as well. This guy did voice over commercials for things, and even though I didnt know everyone there, they made me feel at home.

I havent seen or talked to Phil in years..and thats a shame..he was/is a good guy

Silliness for a change

Some days I reread what I wrote and I cant believe how sanctamonious I can be. Like I have discovered some view of the world that no one ever disclosed. I thank my readers for putting up with me.

Today..some stupidity

Geico Commercials - They used to be bad and relentless..now they are worse and even more relentless. That pile of money with the goo-goo-googly eyes? WTF is that?

Progressive Commercials - Flo was hot for about 15 seconds. The big eyes and the full lips. Now she reminds me of a crazed ex-school teacher turned hooker. The make up is bad...its all bad. Makes you long for cell-phone commercials.

President Obama & Living in Alaska - Ok we in the great North are not a very enlightened people. I get jokes from co-workers or customers about how he is black, or has big lips, or that they hope no one shoots him.....kinda spooky. I have an Obama hat that I dont wear cause I dont want people shooting at me. Im just sayin........

Whats next?

Expectations

Many of us have lowered our expectation for ourseleves and for others. The thought process, and it is a sound one, is that we wont be dissapointed if we dont expect anything out of anyone.
There is an old joke that goes " Bob & I are best friends. There is nothing I wont do for him, and there is nothing he wont do for me, and in 20 yers we have never done anything for each other." Ok not a rib tickler, but the point is if you expect nothing from the world , that is usualy what you get. Relatives, friends, politicans. Doesnt matter who....we have lowered our expectations to the point that if someone DOESNT fuck us we are thrilled.

Me? Guilty of this problem. I am going to try to expect more from people, and myself, and those who do not meaure up will be thinned from the herd. Wont happen overnight, but I am raising the bar for myself and others

Leo, you are acting like a nervous holyilla......... ok that might not be a word.

Change

The old saying goes, the older you are the harder it is to change. I think thats very true. I have had to make many many changes in my life in the past few years. Some voluntary, some not so much. I didnthave to change everything....there were some thinkgs Iliked about my self and my life. But I had to stop being afraid. Paralyzed by my fears. Overthinking things beyond recognition, and yet, making impulsively stupid choices at other times. Now I dont claim to have overcome all these fears to date, as many mountains remain still to climb.

What I do find lately is a confidence in my self..... one lacking for years. I see no reason it wont continue to grow......

Im supposed to be asking a question here so....may we have it back please?

Moments....

Well, the weather has swung to the good at last. We have almost 18 hours a day of daylight, temps are stretching into the high 40's / low 50's. i was thinking today about moments in time..or the timeline of our life, if you will. Casey Stengal once said " there comes a moment in a man's life, and I have had plenty of them " I always get a giggle when I can quote ol' Casey. I am sure we all remember getting our High School Diploma...first kiss...first child born. Those are the big ones, the hall of fame if you will. But what about the little ones? For all of us they are many and varied. The purpose of this is not to list mine, but to get you, my wonderfull readers, to make a mental list of yours. At first, refrain from the bad ones....there will be time for that later.
Put a smile on your owm face. They can be something you learned, did alone, or with a friend, lover, or relative. First ballgame...ffirst A in school....doesnt matter. Mine are personal, and will remain that way.

All Im doing right now is trying to avoid eye contact with the Director of the CIA.......

See the Whole Board

I am a lousy chess player....which may explain why I ended up in Fairbanks AK. I dont think its a game you can learn, other than basic moves and such. You either have the vision to see 5 moves ahead, or 50 moves ahead, or whatever, or you dont. Things are going better for me up here lately, and I am trying to not get out over my skis. Baby steps. Work still sucks, but as spring tries to fight its way out of the grip of winter, my spirits are higher than they have been in..well maybe ever. I will keep you informed.

Back to my chess analogy. I used to not be able to see how stuff affected other stuff. I knew it did, but I never had the vision. I dont claim to have it now, but fog has been lifting, and I see where I may have went wrong..and where I may avoid those mistakes tomorrow. We will see.

So, Taiwan wont be getting the Aegis Class Destroyers afterall. They will live to fight another day, as hopefully we all will.

Mr Toads Wild Ride

As the snow melts up here, there are puddles everywhere. And because it is still cold at night, these puddles freeze and make parking lots like slolom ski runs. I am pretty sure I bruised a kidney in the Fex Ex lot this AM. Ouch!!! Spring is peeking its head over the mountains, but like a woman, is mostly a cock-tease. Life's little groin kick I guess.

Not much to report today..I got my last tax return done, and man, am I sick of them. But I need to keep the lights on, if you catch my drift, so I soldier on.

I am very hopefull today.

The Way Things Oughta Be

I often times find myself wondering what might have been. Silly I know, since we don't get that chance to go back and do it all again. This happens less and less, though, for which my brain is gratefull. What I do find myself doing more and more, is wondering what will be. The difference is regret versus hope. Guilt versus understanding. Why the change? Because I have grown tired of flogging myself over the past. I have learned from it, and am prepared to move forward. No w there are no promises. Only the ones that you made to yourself. They say ( there goes that damn THEY again ) that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Not this cowboy. Nope...no-sir-ree , not me. No way.......

BY the way, has anyone ever seen the old Razzmatazz? me either

Easy Does It

You have to like people who dont sweat everything. I wish I was one of those people but I am sadly not. I worry and kvetch, and thrash over small details in my mind. I try to let the small stuff go, but its hard to make those kinds of changes in your mental make-up. I am getting better, to be sure, but I am not where I would like to be. I have become slightly more easy going, partly because of the pace of life in AK. But partly because I didnt always like who I was. And there were always plenty of people to remind me of my faults. But I digress. The first 47 years were good bad awesome awfull remorable and quite forgettable all at the same time. I am sure many of us could make the same claim. Some might leave out an adjective or two, but I dont know anyone who has lived a perfect life. Unless they are lying out their asses.

Whats the point of all this? I am making small changes to my life, adjusting on the fly. I am highly motivated to do so. I dont want the next 47 years to be like the last ones.

Played like a two dollar banjo

Remember when I said I like to title the blogs to make myself chuckle? Well this is one..deal with it. Not much to report today, except the boss is out of town for 4 days and all is right with the world. I realized that we all need to be better listeners. Sometimes we arent listening to the other person, but just waiting for them to stop so we can open our own pie-hole again. I am as guilty of this as anyone. Everyone knows someone like that. You look intheir eyes and you just KNOW they havent heard a word you said. Pisses you off doesnt it? Yeah me too.

Spring is in the air today here in AK. Its cool crisp and the winter seems top be receding...

Improbable Possibilities

I rarely ever pat myself on the back, and many of you may think I am a lunatic, but I wonder how many people I know, or people you know, would have made the trekk up here. The circumstances leading up to this point were entirely my own doing, but today I am feeling proud that I had the courage to make a monumental move like I did. And courage is not a word many who know me would associate with me. I have pretty much been paralyzed by my fears since about......oh Id say.........1961 or so. I cant make a decision to save my ass sometimes. I hem and haw, obfuscate, and overthink most every major choice I have ever had to make..and I STILL fuck most of them up. Thats real talent gentle followers. Now the move up here has been anything but lollipos and polo ponies, but I did it. Cant nobody ever take that away from me. So score one for the kid.

I was reminded recently of some things I miss. I will watch the tail end of the WGN 9:00 news on cable ( only 6:00 remember ) and the references to streets, buildings, what have you, will bring a tear to my eye. Roger Treamstra, we miss you!!!!

The right way....the wrong way?

Does life have a recepie? Is the more than one way to skin a cat? Are there truely other fish to fry? I ask this, because stuff has happened to me lately that makes no sense. Now the details of that are not the point here, and I will save my few readers the boring details, but while everyone has opinions on right and wrong ( as opposed to good and bad which is a seperate issue altogether ) and normal and wierd, what I am discovering is that expecting things to go A-B-C is not prudent. In fact its a waste of time. The minute you get caught up in that kind of thinking you have closed your mind to oppertunities that may be 6 inches ( or 484 miles ) right in fornt of your face. Now, to be sure, not every foray into this kind of thinking will bring you joy and happiness. Alot will be dead ends. But I am beginning to see my life like a Homicide Detective on TV operates. You follow leads.ask questions..keep your head on a swivel and your eyes and ears open. You run into many brick walls, but just before the last commerical break you hone in on your killer. And how did you achieve this? By keeping an open mind and not getting bogged down with the right and wrong way attitude. And maybe, if you are lucky, you get the girl too!!!
Unless she IS the killer, then you have a "...to be continued " moment. Im just saying..........

What's good for the Goose

Ok, maybe I am playing with fire, but Cousin Karen has this thing she does of smiling just before she is going to toss off an insult, criticizm, whatever. Well she did it to me yesterday as we argued over something. She claimed we had different philosophies of accounting. Well when she said that I resisted a quick retort, sat back in my chair, smiled like she does, and responded " 2+2 has pretty much always equaled 4 Karen, so I have no idea what you are talking about. Well she hasnt spoken to me since. And today, I really dont care if she ever does again. I guess Janis Joplin was right when she said that freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose.

If I have learned anything from my Great White Adventure, is that life is funny. Not always Ha-Ha funny, but funny. You look for things you will never find, and things find you that you were never looking for. Old friends....new friends....the 20 bucks you find in the parking lot. The 20 bucks you cant find. Stuff like that. I believe the universe informs our choices and will give its stamp of approval, or not in some cases, no matter what we want. We can only control ourselves, and our reactions to others. Trying to do otherwise is futility at its most basic. So we rant, we rave, we cry, we laugh. Some of us even BLOG. I cant see tommorow, but I have seen yesterday, and to quote David Landers from A League of Their Own " I have seen to much to know I have seen enough " I am doing my best to make today a happy one. I have no clue how as of yet, but I am learning not to try to get so hung up on material things. Or textbook happiness. I dont expect people to conform to my expectations, but try to meet them half way.

I have been reminded the past few days of some of my past sins. Someone who I am very fond of asked me if I would have done things differently if I could go back. Certainly I responded. Who wouldn't want a second chance to not make the same mistakes? But what is done is done..and what is written is written. And if we could have made better choices, whats to guarentee we wouldnt have fucked up something else the very next day? A change in direction yesterday would have brought us all to a very different today. Good? Bad? Rich? Poor? Time will tell I guess, but I am learning to stop beating myself up over yesterday..face todays fears ( another of my weaknesses ) and see if April 3 2009 cant be a whole lot better than April 3 1982 or 1987 or 2008.

Whew sorry for the tangent. My thoughts just got ahold of me and I was off........talk to ya all later.

Bowling for Dollars

Well my bowling league is over. We rallied to finish 5th in a six team league. My average finished @ 135. Pretty much what I expected it to be. My feelings are mixed to be sure. I was lucky enough to meet 3 very sweet people to bowl with. Phil and Sheila, a married couple my age who are alot of fun. Phis is a mountain of a man who throws his ball with a sweeping hook, and very hard. He is one of the best bowlers in our league. Sheila, his wife is an adorable sweet woman whose bowling skills are suspect but improving. Becky, a married woman, I am guesing in her early 40's throws a ball that is so slow you feel like running after it when she throws. She bowls in alot of leagues, but doesnt take herself too seriously. I will miss the commeraderie until next season. If there is a next season for me that is. Regualr readers know what fence I am sitting on.

Work is status quo. Nothing outlandish to report, but the slow steady abuse is wearing me down.
Little things, snarky side comments, passive agressive bullying. Not my style, but again, I do get paid.

Snowing here today. Alaska's state motto should be " Its all about the weather" because if its not 30 below then its fucking snowing. I know we are 25 yards from Santa Claus' house, but how about a little spring huh?

Well, back to work. I have plenty of it. Its just that its Saturday and I'd rather be drinking coffee in my jammies. Aloha All

Still running after 8 weeks

My truck..the item that probably saved my life, is still running. You dont need a Benz or a Beemer to get around. Well I dont anyway. Sure a radio would be nice, but I bought a $ 10 Walkman. Lights on the dashboard would also be nice, but we have lots of sunshine these days so Im not out in the dark as a rule. Takes about 25 dollars worth of gas and 6 bucks worth of oil to keep her sharp, but its a small price to pay for sanity. I doubt I could get it over 50 mph, but I dont need to....yet!!! The evil genius was sure I was getting screwed, but she is, well...evil. Discussions of freedom and personal privacy and the 1st amendment are all well and good, but the ability to come and go as you please, vehicularly speaking, that is, should NEVER be infringed on. Ever.

I am as ever, in a constant stae of bewiderment of the pettiness of my boss. She is cold, paranoid,
and small. And those are her good qualities. She should never own a business where customer interface is required. She is..in short..a train wreck. And when her custiomers complain about her, or even sometimes to her face, she is always incredulous. I know we dont always see ourselfs as we are, and I claim no high ground here, but come on!!! I am the 5th Accounting Manager she has gone through in 3 years, and frankly it should be three times that. Oh well...I guess the easiest person to lie to is ourselves.

Yes....No...Stay....Get the fuck outa here!!!!

I have been dreding the upcomming decisions I have to make. I want to come home badly, but as The Basque rightly points out..to what? I had little luck in getting my accounting business going to a level of subsistance, and the Sunday Job classifieds in the Trib are thinner than Laura Flynn Boyle after a coffee & Marlboro red binge on Catalina island. I guess I am inclined to stay, andif I had to lock in an answer today ( like they make you do on game shows ) I would be staying until November at the earliest. I miss alot of people a whole lot, but I have to earn a living, and despite working for the rudest coldest woman ever to draw breath, my paycheck does clear the bank every 15 days. So.......

Got an out of the blue contact from someone today. The world draws ever closer as the Internet sucks up whole and spits us out. I guess no one is ever safe from yesterday. Or Today...or tomorrow for that matter. People used to come and go from our lives. Now they come and go and send you an e-mail, or text message, then come and..well you get the point.

The cold wont go anywhere, but at least the sun is up longer. Over 12 hours a day now, but it provides as much warmth as a Porcupine on a Tuesday morning. We are beining to see the pavement on the streets, but green still seems weeks away. Oh well......

Been a while.... I know

Sorry I havent blogged in a while..or if you hate my blog, sorry I am blogging now. See its all about context. Anyway, my Alaska experience is not what I had hoped it would be. But is nice to know that whereever you are, the proverbial Rock and Hard Place are not far behind. I will lay out my issues in simple steps

1. I hate my boss. She is beyond evil. I may have referred to her as Satan's Mother-in-law in an earlier post. Well Beealzabub, I am sorry to have connected the 2 of you. Please dont hold this against me when I get there someday.

2. I get paid every 15 days. The economy is in the toilet, jobs are hard to find, and I have one. This is a hard truth.

3. I like Alaska people for the most part. Like anywhere, you have your good and bad, your wierd and dull, and I doubt anyone wouldnt like the poeple up here.

4. April 30 is a drop dead date on my apartment. I can find other affordable furnished apartments, but I am back to a six month lease. By Halowwen I could be in the looney bin, or in jail. I see no third option.

5. I get paid every 15 days. No matter what else I pepper my issues with, that is an irrefutable fact nd I like getting paid.

So there is the lay of the land. Every day I watch the news and see the ugliness out there. We in Alaska dont seem to be taking it up the ass quite as badly as the lower 48. Not sure why.


Oh and on sad note, my Aunt Ann died the other day. She was my godmother and I was named for her husband, one of my Dad's brothers. Now its not like we were a big part ofeach others lives, but her passing marks the end of an era. She was the last of the Aunts Uncles and whatnot from the days of my chuildhood. Backyard shindigs..Christmas Parties in the basement, stuff like that. She was a sweet lady..a little jittery, but always sweet. Oh and I am not surem, but I think she had a brother whose nickname was Meat-Nose. Funny Stuff

Everything old is really really older again

Well I bought a vehicle. A 1990 Nissan Mini Pick up with 313000 miles on it. It is, to be gentle a rattle trap, but I love it. Cost me 200 bucks. It starts and has heat. What else could you want?
No radio no lights on the dashboard doesnt lock but it is mine and it gives me freedom. I can come and go as I please for now, and I say for now cause who knows how long it will run for. My first car was a 1974 Dodge Dart about 6000 years ago. I loved that car too. This car represents a different kind of re-birth for me. I dont want to make too much of it, but having your own wheels is the difference between prison and life. Ive had it a week now so it is paying for itself each day it starts. Id be happier but there is a hole in my life and it doesnt look like it will be filled anytime soon. Oh well..maybe one day. Only time will tell

Language Lessons

That title is for a dear dear friend. I hope they get the reference...

Anyhoo I hate dentists. Ater 3000 years they have not progressed past the drill and fill...hack and whack techniques that Gorg the caveman had to endure from Dr Flump the Pre-Historic Dentist.

Life is up and down. I put my head down and drive through the day. You know who makes it difficult to not get bloodied, but somedays the blows arent as bad as others. My toothache being what it is, I wish I could take a pill to make her go away.

Oh..and if all my buds down there would pass the hat for me..I NEED A CAR not expecting anything, but I am puting it out there in the Universe and see what the fuck happens.

Bad news from the world of finance. Due to the overall economic downturn Target has postponed plans to build their Fairbanks location by 18 months. Oh The Humanity!!!!!

This Just In.......

I am in no way shape or form...perfect. I fuck up I smile laugh cry shit swear . I am also a fairly intelligent observant and hard working Accountant. I am not a recent grad of the Sally Struthers Coorespondence School where one can obtain a bartenders licence or become a certified refrigerator repair man. So living up to expectations of perfection, and then being treated like a Devry drop-out when I fail is getting on my nerves. I may be repeating myself, but I want to do a job. I want to go home thinking I contributed to another sucessful day. I DO NOT require constant praise from anyone. I know when I do right and when I fuck up. Having been a number jockey for almost 29 years now I can tell the difference. What I also do not seek are passive agressive side comments about things my employer perceives as my weaknesses. While I do work everyday, I dont work more than 8 hours if I dont have to. My employer expressed surprise when I told her I get eye weary after 8 hours in front of a comouter. Imagine That!!!!
I get eye wearly after 8 hours. WTF is wrong with me? In truth, she creates such a toxic work environment that I look to skee-daddle as soon as I can. But how do you tell someone that? Answer: You don't.

Fear of the fear of the fear of the unknown

We all have loved ones friends family whatever, and we know learn what their hot buttons are. Then when they go balistic on us a few dozen times we know what to avoid to lessen the ugliness of the future. I work for a woman who has about 35,000 different moods and just when you think you have done a good job..followed her convoluted directions to a T or done something so innocent that no one could object, she lowers the BOOM on you. So not only are you blindsided, but when you are filling out the emotional accident report, you dont even know how to fill in the
" Cause of Accident " line. What ensues is an environment where you are fearful of saying ANYTHING about ANYTHING around her, because who knows what direction the brick is comming from. It stifles creativity free and free thinking. Now anyone who knows me knows I have lots of ideas and like to share them..good or bad. I have taken that part of me and burried it for the time being. Innocent questions generate snarky defensive answers. Suggestions about improving things dont illicit a " Wow, that might work " response, but a " What was wrong with the way we were doing it " suspicious answer. So I go to work..do as I am told and shut the fuck up. It is so not who I am, but I need the money, and thats is the way it is. I am not changing my ways in general..just in the office.

Its all the same I guess

Well we are having a heat wave ( 30 above for today's high ) I know from watching TV that you guys are having the coldest winter in 8 years. So no matter where you are..driving down the Dan Ryan, the Stemmons Freeway, or the Richardson cold is cold..

Anyway, things are going as expected. I work alot, I am very lonely, but life rolls on. I am looking forward to this winter thaw, if only to get outside and see where I really live. Perhaps I will meet some people, be less lonely and become for comfortable in my own skin. Right now I feel like an unwanted houseguest. I have little in the way of things to call my own, and I miss my friends and family. While none of these things surprise me, I guess the intensity of the feelings can be a bit overwhelming at times.

What can I say?

First, my humblest apologies for not posting more often. I know how many of you depend on my words to get through the day. Second, remember wayyyyyyyyyyyyy back when I started this thing I said I was going to refrain from bitching about the weather? Well as we extend into our 14th consecutive day of 40 below, I just have to say FUCK ITS COLD. Your nostrils freeze, your thighs burn and you fight for breath. Not exactly cozy winter conditions. Anyway, the job continues to be a rollercoaster. But when you work for Satan's Mother-in-law that can happen.

The overall situation is also a mixed bag. The people are nice, there are ample choices for grocery shopping and a few mini-marts. When the ice fog lifts ( yes we have fog ) the mountains are scenic and its an easy town to navigate in. I miss my loved ones very much, and the nights are cold and lonely. With no car its hard to meet people, so you can see my dliemna. Things should get better as we get more daylight. We gain 4-5 minuts each day. And also some sunshine wouldnt make me mad. Random Thought: I think I hear a pug barking.

Anyway, I will try to post more often. And thank the universe you dont have to deal with 40 below temps