I Made a Wrong Turn at Billings MT

Its been a while, but.....

2009-08-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

I know I havent blogged in a while, but my truck died today. I have made and spent alot of money in my life...pissed most of it away, thats for sure, but the $200 I spent on this piece o' shit truck I bought on January 23rd 2009 may have been the best money I spent. It truely saved my life, I think. That night, I re-gained the abilty to come and go as i saw fit. I had been bumming rides from my cousins, and borrowing their vehicles to buy food and stuff, but the night I bought the truck, I was no longer a burden to them. I didnt need to borrow their cars or bum rides anymore. I was free.

Today, I will need to scrounge up a plan to get through my remaining time up here with some sort of vehicle. I am uncertain today of what to do. I can get through the next few days without a car......I hope

Cinco De Mayo

2009-05-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

Its May 5th in the big Northwest. Part of me thought Id be home by now....there were days, well if you read this, and I have no idea why you would, when I was ready to pack it in. Eddie was a nice counter-balance to my whinning sometimes. He would remind me to cash the checks and shut the fuck up already. And if you know Eddie like I know Eddie, its his strongest play. Then there is my own self esteem and worth. I said I would stay, and so far I have. Satina hasnt gotten any better. If anything, she has become more boorish and critical as the days pass. I still cant get her to let me do anything of any worth around here. So I remain a chimp...but the checks do clear the bank ( we get paid today after 2:20 yeah ) and Fairbanks isnt the worst place to live. There is little chance of me making any money at home until the economy rebounds, so I am stuck up here. My $200 truck still runs and my apartment is clean if not fancy.

Toby I am a little short..can I borrow 125,000.00 for lunch

Cable TV

2009-04-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

Wow..after 5 nights in my new digs..which Ive already described as cheaper, I forgot how much I missed real TV. I have MSNBC now, Keith Chris Rachel Ed I missed you guys so much. I have Comedy Central now, welcome home John. I have ESPN-2 Dana, good to see you.

I know its a small thing..petty some might say, but for guy 3700 miles from home with a crippled computer still, who knows NO ONE in town, good cable TV is like manna from heaven.

Anyway, I know I moan bitch and pontificate here alot. Today, however I am joyous and grateful. All because of Good Cable TV.

I guess it is life's little things that make the difference.

Did you know there is a show where they have a roving moderator who goes into the audience for questions about cheating girlfriends? Tell me..these people don't vote do they?

59 - 41

2009-04-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ok I am a Democrat. Always have been always will be. Todays news of Arlen Specter bolting the GOP to become a Democrat almost made me weep. He has always been moderate, and as the Republicans moved hard to the right, he seemed more and more like a fish out of water.
I applaud the man today, not because I approve of his move, which I do, but to do so in a climate of Fox News and the Weekly Standard. He will get bashed as a traitor by Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter, so you gotta like his conviction and gumption. His only black mark was his stance on the Warren Commission, believing that Oswald acted alone in the assassination of JFK. But if Arlen can change parties, I can forgive a 45 year old mistake.

Now we just need to get Al Franken seated and the Obama Administration can hit the skies.

A Gift to Remember

2009-04-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have received many wonderful gifts in my life. I still have some, and some perish, or get lost, or have been outgrown. I have a bowling pin on my desk at home autographed by the Cast of " ED" that is a cherished possession. But last night I was reminded of a gift I received on my 40th birthday. It was a phone call from John Powers. He is a Chicago author who wrote 4 books about growing up Irish Catholic in the city. The books cover 1st grade through adulthood, and I have always loved the man's writing. His 3rd book, The Unoriginal Sinner and the Ice Cream God is my all time favorite book. I have it in Hard Cover, and softcover. I lent out a paperback to a friend years ago and he never returned it, so when I got the chance to re-acquire it, I covered my ass. Anyway, my sister arranged to have an autographed copy of his 4th book The Junk Drawer, Corner Store, Front Porch Blues sent to me, and minutes after she gave me the book the phone rang and it was John Powers. Well after I soiled myself, I spent the next 30 minuites gushing over his bokos and asking him who what where when and why questions about the charecters in this or that book. When did Caepon die? Why did Tim Conroy die? Did Leonard Cohen ever become a Doctor? The call lasted about 40 minutes if I recall, and my head buzzed for hours afterwords, wondering if it had really happened. It really was like a phone call from God for me, and that 40 minutes is a fixture in my personal Hall of Fame.

Shedding a tear...

2009-04-27T16:55:00.000-07:00

Eddie The Basque, who in real life, is of course none other than Mike Tyson, has reminded me of a sad reality. My 1997 Jeep Grand Cherokee is being junked. Its beyond repair...past its prime..over the hill..it has expired..gone to meet it maker...it is no more....it is an Ex-Jeep ( You're welcome Monty Python Fans ) It is a sad day. If you know me you know I know 2 things about cars. Where to put the gas, and how to change the radio stations. But I loved this vehicle. I fit well in it. We drove about 165000 miles together. Alex has been driving it while I am here, but it was on its last legs. I am genuinely sad about the loss of my Jeep. It will quite a whuile before I can afford another one. I have no love of cars..racing or any of that shit...but I did love this car.

Oh well..it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have.....ah fuck it. Goodbye old friend.

( A Moment of silence please...........Taps playing............21 gun salute..........and ....its gone )

Reflections

2009-04-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

I am moving into my new digs and I find myself mad at myself. The new place is smaller and not as bright, but has better cable, includes all the utilities, and is 100 do-ne-oh-ni-ohs a month cheaper. I dont know why I didnt move here back in November. I would have saves some coin, I wouldnt have security deposits all over the place, and wouldnt have to spend my evening carrying shit to and from each dwelling. Ah..if stood stiff in the corner, as an old friend of mine used to say.

I have obviously made the decision to stay in Alaska for a while. Looking back on my six months here it could have gone smoother. I havent bitched about Cuz' recently. Its not becuase she has gotten any better. She was/is/and always will be BRUTAL. Everything in this place is my fault. I shoulda..I coulda..I need to..I shouldnt....FUCK it get old. She even attacks decisions I make in my personal life. Where I live..what I drive..stuff like that. I could write a book. Or better yet, make a movie with Queen Kong in the title role.......hmmmmmmm I smell a 3 picture deal here

Lost Data

2009-04-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

My Laptop crashed the other night......and so I havent had the chance to post....I have been pretty much obsessed with getting it back up. I lost alot of fucking programs. Some stuff will be irreplaceable. " Well surely you had a back up....right...asshole? " you may be asking yourself. Well if I had the brains to have backups I wouldnt be in Alaska in the first place.....Think about it.

My sister-in-law has done yeomans work to get me back up and running sort of. I still have many programs to re-load.....all kinds of re-builds to do....and stuff that I have never even heard of.

I am in the midst of changing dwellings this week, and this PC crash was the last fucking thing I needed. Oh well.....like the universe gives a rats ass what I need.

( Singing ) You make me Egg Foo Young....you make me feel there are songs to b sung..and everytime that I do...........you make me feel so young...... ( ending with the old soft shoe )

A Guy I Know

2009-04-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

I dont know what made me think of him today, but there is a guy I know named Phil Baharndt. He used to be a client of mine, but now he is the Used Car King of Fargo ND. The guy can sell cars like anything........He is a great cook, and one year long ago, he had me over for Thanksgiving dinner. It was my second one of the day, having spent the first one with my Sister. I was in between marriages at the time, and I think he felt sorry for me. Anyway, and again I dont know why I am recounting this story, he made an oyster stuffing with andouie sausage that was to die for. I can recall him telling the story of how he cooked the stuffing outside the bird, so that he didnt end up killing anyone. His best friend Joe Bethersonton was there as well. This guy did voice over commercials for things, and even though I didnt know everyone there, they made me feel at home.

I havent seen or talked to Phil in years..and thats a shame..he was/is a good guy

Silliness for a change

2009-04-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Some days I reread what I wrote and I cant believe how sanctamonious I can be. Like I have discovered some view of the world that no one ever disclosed. I thank my readers for putting up with me.

Today..some stupidity

Geico Commercials - They used to be bad and relentless..now they are worse and even more relentless. That pile of money with the goo-goo-googly eyes? WTF is that?

Progressive Commercials - Flo was hot for about 15 seconds. The big eyes and the full lips. Now she reminds me of a crazed ex-school teacher turned hooker. The make up is bad...its all bad. Makes you long for cell-phone commercials.

President Obama & Living in Alaska - Ok we in the great North are not a very enlightened people. I get jokes from co-workers or customers about how he is black, or has big lips, or that they hope no one shoots him.....kinda spooky. I have an Obama hat that I dont wear cause I dont want people shooting at me. Im just sayin........

Whats next?

Expectations

2009-04-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Many of us have lowered our expectation for ourseleves and for others. The thought process, and it is a sound one, is that we wont be dissapointed if we dont expect anything out of anyone.
There is an old joke that goes " Bob & I are best friends. There is nothing I wont do for him, and there is nothing he wont do for me, and in 20 yers we have never done anything for each other." Ok not a rib tickler, but the point is if you expect nothing from the world , that is usualy what you get. Relatives, friends, politicans. Doesnt matter who....we have lowered our expectations to the point that if someone DOESNT fuck us we are thrilled.

Me? Guilty of this problem. I am going to try to expect more from people, and myself, and those who do not meaure up will be thinned from the herd. Wont happen overnight, but I am raising the bar for myself and others

Leo, you are acting like a nervous holyilla......... ok that might not be a word.

Change

2009-04-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

The old saying goes, the older you are the harder it is to change. I think thats very true. I have had to make many many changes in my life in the past few years. Some voluntary, some not so much. I didnthave to change everything....there were some thinkgs Iliked about my self and my life. But I had to stop being afraid. Paralyzed by my fears. Overthinking things beyond recognition, and yet, making impulsively stupid choices at other times. Now I dont claim to have overcome all these fears to date, as many mountains remain still to climb.

What I do find lately is a confidence in my self..... one lacking for years. I see no reason it wont continue to grow......

Im supposed to be asking a question here so....may we have it back please?

Moments....

2009-04-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

Well, the weather has swung to the good at last. We have almost 18 hours a day of daylight, temps are stretching into the high 40's / low 50's. i was thinking today about moments in time..or the timeline of our life, if you will. Casey Stengal once said " there comes a moment in a man's life, and I have had plenty of them " I always get a giggle when I can quote ol' Casey. I am sure we all remember getting our High School Diploma...first kiss...first child born. Those are the big ones, the hall of fame if you will. But what about the little ones? For all of us they are many and varied. The purpose of this is not to list mine, but to get you, my wonderfull readers, to make a mental list of yours. At first, refrain from the bad ones....there will be time for that later.
Put a smile on your owm face. They can be something you learned, did alone, or with a friend, lover, or relative. First ballgame...ffirst A in school....doesnt matter. Mine are personal, and will remain that way.

All Im doing right now is trying to avoid eye contact with the Director of the CIA.......

See the Whole Board

2009-04-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

I am a lousy chess player....which may explain why I ended up in Fairbanks AK. I dont think its a game you can learn, other than basic moves and such. You either have the vision to see 5 moves ahead, or 50 moves ahead, or whatever, or you dont. Things are going better for me up here lately, and I am trying to not get out over my skis. Baby steps. Work still sucks, but as spring tries to fight its way out of the grip of winter, my spirits are higher than they have been in..well maybe ever. I will keep you informed.

Back to my chess analogy. I used to not be able to see how stuff affected other stuff. I knew it did, but I never had the vision. I dont claim to have it now, but fog has been lifting, and I see where I may have went wrong..and where I may avoid those mistakes tomorrow. We will see.

So, Taiwan wont be getting the Aegis Class Destroyers afterall. They will live to fight another day, as hopefully we all will.

Mr Toads Wild Ride

2009-04-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

As the snow melts up here, there are puddles everywhere. And because it is still cold at night, these puddles freeze and make parking lots like slolom ski runs. I am pretty sure I bruised a kidney in the Fex Ex lot this AM. Ouch!!! Spring is peeking its head over the mountains, but like a woman, is mostly a cock-tease. Life's little groin kick I guess.

Not much to report today..I got my last tax return done, and man, am I sick of them. But I need to keep the lights on, if you catch my drift, so I soldier on.

I am very hopefull today.

The Way Things Oughta Be

2009-04-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

I often times find myself wondering what might have been. Silly I know, since we don't get that chance to go back and do it all again. This happens less and less, though, for which my brain is gratefull. What I do find myself doing more and more, is wondering what will be. The difference is regret versus hope. Guilt versus understanding. Why the change? Because I have grown tired of flogging myself over the past. I have learned from it, and am prepared to move forward. No w there are no promises. Only the ones that you made to yourself. They say ( there goes that damn THEY again ) that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Not this cowboy. Nope...no-sir-ree , not me. No way.......

BY the way, has anyone ever seen the old Razzmatazz? me either

Easy Does It

2009-04-07T13:03:00.001-07:00

You have to like people who dont sweat everything. I wish I was one of those people but I am sadly not. I worry and kvetch, and thrash over small details in my mind. I try to let the small stuff go, but its hard to make those kinds of changes in your mental make-up. I am getting better, to be sure, but I am not where I would like to be. I have become slightly more easy going, partly because of the pace of life in AK. But partly because I didnt always like who I was. And there were always plenty of people to remind me of my faults. But I digress. The first 47 years were good bad awesome awfull remorable and quite forgettable all at the same time. I am sure many of us could make the same claim. Some might leave out an adjective or two, but I dont know anyone who has lived a perfect life. Unless they are lying out their asses.

Whats the point of all this? I am making small changes to my life, adjusting on the fly. I am highly motivated to do so. I dont want the next 47 years to be like the last ones.

Played like a two dollar banjo

2009-04-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

Remember when I said I like to title the blogs to make myself chuckle? Well this is one..deal with it. Not much to report today, except the boss is out of town for 4 days and all is right with the world. I realized that we all need to be better listeners. Sometimes we arent listening to the other person, but just waiting for them to stop so we can open our own pie-hole again. I am as guilty of this as anyone. Everyone knows someone like that. You look intheir eyes and you just KNOW they havent heard a word you said. Pisses you off doesnt it? Yeah me too.

Spring is in the air today here in AK. Its cool crisp and the winter seems top be receding...

Improbable Possibilities

2009-04-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

I rarely ever pat myself on the back, and many of you may think I am a lunatic, but I wonder how many people I know, or people you know, would have made the trekk up here. The circumstances leading up to this point were entirely my own doing, but today I am feeling proud that I had the courage to make a monumental move like I did. And courage is not a word many who know me would associate with me. I have pretty much been paralyzed by my fears since about......oh Id say.........1961 or so. I cant make a decision to save my ass sometimes. I hem and haw, obfuscate, and overthink most every major choice I have ever had to make..and I STILL fuck most of them up. Thats real talent gentle followers. Now the move up here has been anything but lollipos and polo ponies, but I did it. Cant nobody ever take that away from me. So score one for the kid.

I was reminded recently of some things I miss. I will watch the tail end of the WGN 9:00 news on cable ( only 6:00 remember ) and the references to streets, buildings, what have you, will bring a tear to my eye. Roger Treamstra, we miss you!!!!

The right way....the wrong way?

2009-04-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

Does life have a recepie? Is the more than one way to skin a cat? Are there truely other fish to fry? I ask this, because stuff has happened to me lately that makes no sense. Now the details of that are not the point here, and I will save my few readers the boring details, but while everyone has opinions on right and wrong ( as opposed to good and bad which is a seperate issue altogether ) and normal and wierd, what I am discovering is that expecting things to go A-B-C is not prudent. In fact its a waste of time. The minute you get caught up in that kind of thinking you have closed your mind to oppertunities that may be 6 inches ( or 484 miles ) right in fornt of your face. Now, to be sure, not every foray into this kind of thinking will bring you joy and happiness. Alot will be dead ends. But I am beginning to see my life like a Homicide Detective on TV operates. You follow leads.ask questions..keep your head on a swivel and your eyes and ears open. You run into many brick walls, but just before the last commerical break you hone in on your killer. And how did you achieve this? By keeping an open mind and not getting bogged down with the right and wrong way attitude. And maybe, if you are lucky, you get the girl too!!!
Unless she IS the killer, then you have a "...to be continued " moment. Im just saying..........

What's good for the Goose

2009-04-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, maybe I am playing with fire, but Cousin Karen has this thing she does of smiling just before she is going to toss off an insult, criticizm, whatever. Well she did it to me yesterday as we argued over something. She claimed we had different philosophies of accounting. Well when she said that I resisted a quick retort, sat back in my chair, smiled like she does, and responded " 2+2 has pretty much always equaled 4 Karen, so I have no idea what you are talking about. Well she hasnt spoken to me since. And today, I really dont care if she ever does again. I guess Janis Joplin was right when she said that freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose.

If I have learned anything from my Great White Adventure, is that life is funny. Not always Ha-Ha funny, but funny. You look for things you will never find, and things find you that you were never looking for. Old friends....new friends....the 20 bucks you find in the parking lot. The 20 bucks you cant find. Stuff like that. I believe the universe informs our choices and will give its stamp of approval, or not in some cases, no matter what we want. We can only control ourselves, and our reactions to others. Trying to do otherwise is futility at its most basic. So we rant, we rave, we cry, we laugh. Some of us even BLOG. I cant see tommorow, but I have seen yesterday, and to quote David Landers from A League of Their Own " I have seen to much to know I have seen enough " I am doing my best to make today a happy one. I have no clue how as of yet, but I am learning not to try to get so hung up on material things. Or textbook happiness. I dont expect people to conform to my expectations, but try to meet them half way.

I have been reminded the past few days of some of my past sins. Someone who I am very fond of asked me if I would have done things differently if I could go back. Certainly I responded. Who wouldn't want a second chance to not make the same mistakes? But what is done is done..and what is written is written. And if we could have made better choices, whats to guarentee we wouldnt have fucked up something else the very next day? A change in direction yesterday would have brought us all to a very different today. Good? Bad? Rich? Poor? Time will tell I guess, but I am learning to stop beating myself up over yesterday..face todays fears ( another of my weaknesses ) and see if April 3 2009 cant be a whole lot better than April 3 1982 or 1987 or 2008.

Whew sorry for the tangent. My thoughts just got ahold of me and I was off........talk to ya all later.

Bowling for Dollars

2009-03-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

Well my bowling league is over. We rallied to finish 5th in a six team league. My average finished @ 135. Pretty much what I expected it to be. My feelings are mixed to be sure. I was lucky enough to meet 3 very sweet people to bowl with. Phil and Sheila, a married couple my age who are alot of fun. Phis is a mountain of a man who throws his ball with a sweeping hook, and very hard. He is one of the best bowlers in our league. Sheila, his wife is an adorable sweet woman whose bowling skills are suspect but improving. Becky, a married woman, I am guesing in her early 40's throws a ball that is so slow you feel like running after it when she throws. She bowls in alot of leagues, but doesnt take herself too seriously. I will miss the commeraderie until next season. If there is a next season for me that is. Regualr readers know what fence I am sitting on.

Work is status quo. Nothing outlandish to report, but the slow steady abuse is wearing me down.
Little things, snarky side comments, passive agressive bullying. Not my style, but again, I do get paid.

Snowing here today. Alaska's state motto should be " Its all about the weather" because if its not 30 below then its fucking snowing. I know we are 25 yards from Santa Claus' house, but how about a little spring huh?

Well, back to work. I have plenty of it. Its just that its Saturday and I'd rather be drinking coffee in my jammies. Aloha All

Still running after 8 weeks

2009-03-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

My truck..the item that probably saved my life, is still running. You dont need a Benz or a Beemer to get around. Well I dont anyway. Sure a radio would be nice, but I bought a $ 10 Walkman. Lights on the dashboard would also be nice, but we have lots of sunshine these days so Im not out in the dark as a rule. Takes about 25 dollars worth of gas and 6 bucks worth of oil to keep her sharp, but its a small price to pay for sanity. I doubt I could get it over 50 mph, but I dont need to....yet!!! The evil genius was sure I was getting screwed, but she is, well...evil. Discussions of freedom and personal privacy and the 1st amendment are all well and good, but the ability to come and go as you please, vehicularly speaking, that is, should NEVER be infringed on. Ever.

I am as ever, in a constant stae of bewiderment of the pettiness of my boss. She is cold, paranoid,
and small. And those are her good qualities. She should never own a business where customer interface is required. She is..in short..a train wreck. And when her custiomers complain about her, or even sometimes to her face, she is always incredulous. I know we dont always see ourselfs as we are, and I claim no high ground here, but come on!!! I am the 5th Accounting Manager she has gone through in 3 years, and frankly it should be three times that. Oh well...I guess the easiest person to lie to is ourselves.

Yes....No...Stay....Get the fuck outa here!!!!

2009-03-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

I have been dreding the upcomming decisions I have to make. I want to come home badly, but as The Basque rightly points out..to what? I had little luck in getting my accounting business going to a level of subsistance, and the Sunday Job classifieds in the Trib are thinner than Laura Flynn Boyle after a coffee & Marlboro red binge on Catalina island. I guess I am inclined to stay, andif I had to lock in an answer today ( like they make you do on game shows ) I would be staying until November at the earliest. I miss alot of people a whole lot, but I have to earn a living, and despite working for the rudest coldest woman ever to draw breath, my paycheck does clear the bank every 15 days. So.......

Got an out of the blue contact from someone today. The world draws ever closer as the Internet sucks up whole and spits us out. I guess no one is ever safe from yesterday. Or Today...or tomorrow for that matter. People used to come and go from our lives. Now they come and go and send you an e-mail, or text message, then come and..well you get the point.

The cold wont go anywhere, but at least the sun is up longer. Over 12 hours a day now, but it provides as much warmth as a Porcupine on a Tuesday morning. We are beining to see the pavement on the streets, but green still seems weeks away. Oh well......

Been a while.... I know

2009-03-06T07:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry I havent blogged in a while..or if you hate my blog, sorry I am blogging now. See its all about context. Anyway, my Alaska experience is not what I had hoped it would be. But is nice to know that whereever you are, the proverbial Rock and Hard Place are not far behind. I will lay out my issues in simple steps

1. I hate my boss. She is beyond evil. I may have referred to her as Satan's Mother-in-law in an earlier post. Well Beealzabub, I am sorry to have connected the 2 of you. Please dont hold this against me when I get there someday.

2. I get paid every 15 days. The economy is in the toilet, jobs are hard to find, and I have one. This is a hard truth.

3. I like Alaska people for the most part. Like anywhere, you have your good and bad, your wierd and dull, and I doubt anyone wouldnt like the poeple up here.

4. April 30 is a drop dead date on my apartment. I can find other affordable furnished apartments, but I am back to a six month lease. By Halowwen I could be in the looney bin, or in jail. I see no third option.

5. I get paid every 15 days. No matter what else I pepper my issues with, that is an irrefutable fact nd I like getting paid.

So there is the lay of the land. Every day I watch the news and see the ugliness out there. We in Alaska dont seem to be taking it up the ass quite as badly as the lower 48. Not sure why.

Oh and on sad note, my Aunt Ann died the other day. She was my godmother and I was named for her husband, one of my Dad's brothers. Now its not like we were a big part ofeach others lives, but her passing marks the end of an era. She was the last of the Aunts Uncles and whatnot from the days of my chuildhood. Backyard shindigs..Christmas Parties in the basement, stuff like that. She was a sweet lady..a little jittery, but always sweet. Oh and I am not surem, but I think she had a brother whose nickname was Meat-Nose. Funny Stuff

Everything old is really really older again

2009-01-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

Well I bought a vehicle. A 1990 Nissan Mini Pick up with 313000 miles on it. It is, to be gentle a rattle trap, but I love it. Cost me 200 bucks. It starts and has heat. What else could you want?
No radio no lights on the dashboard doesnt lock but it is mine and it gives me freedom. I can come and go as I please for now, and I say for now cause who knows how long it will run for. My first car was a 1974 Dodge Dart about 6000 years ago. I loved that car too. This car represents a different kind of re-birth for me. I dont want to make too much of it, but having your own wheels is the difference between prison and life. Ive had it a week now so it is paying for itself each day it starts. Id be happier but there is a hole in my life and it doesnt look like it will be filled anytime soon. Oh well..maybe one day. Only time will tell

Language Lessons

2009-01-19T23:02:00.001-08:00

That title is for a dear dear friend. I hope they get the reference...

Anyhoo I hate dentists. Ater 3000 years they have not progressed past the drill and fill...hack and whack techniques that Gorg the caveman had to endure from Dr Flump the Pre-Historic Dentist.

Life is up and down. I put my head down and drive through the day. You know who makes it difficult to not get bloodied, but somedays the blows arent as bad as others. My toothache being what it is, I wish I could take a pill to make her go away.

Oh..and if all my buds down there would pass the hat for me..I NEED A CAR not expecting anything, but I am puting it out there in the Universe and see what the fuck happens.

Bad news from the world of finance. Due to the overall economic downturn Target has postponed plans to build their Fairbanks location by 18 months. Oh The Humanity!!!!!

This Just In.......

2009-01-16T08:03:00.000-08:00

I am in no way shape or form...perfect. I fuck up I smile laugh cry shit swear . I am also a fairly intelligent observant and hard working Accountant. I am not a recent grad of the Sally Struthers Coorespondence School where one can obtain a bartenders licence or become a certified refrigerator repair man. So living up to expectations of perfection, and then being treated like a Devry drop-out when I fail is getting on my nerves. I may be repeating myself, but I want to do a job. I want to go home thinking I contributed to another sucessful day. I DO NOT require constant praise from anyone. I know when I do right and when I fuck up. Having been a number jockey for almost 29 years now I can tell the difference. What I also do not seek are passive agressive side comments about things my employer perceives as my weaknesses. While I do work everyday, I dont work more than 8 hours if I dont have to. My employer expressed surprise when I told her I get eye weary after 8 hours in front of a comouter. Imagine That!!!!
I get eye wearly after 8 hours. WTF is wrong with me? In truth, she creates such a toxic work environment that I look to skee-daddle as soon as I can. But how do you tell someone that? Answer: You don't.

Fear of the fear of the fear of the unknown

2009-01-15T09:16:00.001-08:00

We all have loved ones friends family whatever, and we know learn what their hot buttons are. Then when they go balistic on us a few dozen times we know what to avoid to lessen the ugliness of the future. I work for a woman who has about 35,000 different moods and just when you think you have done a good job..followed her convoluted directions to a T or done something so innocent that no one could object, she lowers the BOOM on you. So not only are you blindsided, but when you are filling out the emotional accident report, you dont even know how to fill in the
" Cause of Accident " line. What ensues is an environment where you are fearful of saying ANYTHING about ANYTHING around her, because who knows what direction the brick is comming from. It stifles creativity free and free thinking. Now anyone who knows me knows I have lots of ideas and like to share them..good or bad. I have taken that part of me and burried it for the time being. Innocent questions generate snarky defensive answers. Suggestions about improving things dont illicit a " Wow, that might work " response, but a " What was wrong with the way we were doing it " suspicious answer. So I go to work..do as I am told and shut the fuck up. It is so not who I am, but I need the money, and thats is the way it is. I am not changing my ways in general..just in the office.

Its all the same I guess

2009-01-14T09:17:00.001-08:00

Well we are having a heat wave ( 30 above for today's high ) I know from watching TV that you guys are having the coldest winter in 8 years. So no matter where you are..driving down the Dan Ryan, the Stemmons Freeway, or the Richardson cold is cold..

Anyway, things are going as expected. I work alot, I am very lonely, but life rolls on. I am looking forward to this winter thaw, if only to get outside and see where I really live. Perhaps I will meet some people, be less lonely and become for comfortable in my own skin. Right now I feel like an unwanted houseguest. I have little in the way of things to call my own, and I miss my friends and family. While none of these things surprise me, I guess the intensity of the feelings can be a bit overwhelming at times.

What can I say?

2009-01-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

First, my humblest apologies for not posting more often. I know how many of you depend on my words to get through the day. Second, remember wayyyyyyyyyyyyy back when I started this thing I said I was going to refrain from bitching about the weather? Well as we extend into our 14th consecutive day of 40 below, I just have to say FUCK ITS COLD. Your nostrils freeze, your thighs burn and you fight for breath. Not exactly cozy winter conditions. Anyway, the job continues to be a rollercoaster. But when you work for Satan's Mother-in-law that can happen.

The overall situation is also a mixed bag. The people are nice, there are ample choices for grocery shopping and a few mini-marts. When the ice fog lifts ( yes we have fog ) the mountains are scenic and its an easy town to navigate in. I miss my loved ones very much, and the nights are cold and lonely. With no car its hard to meet people, so you can see my dliemna. Things should get better as we get more daylight. We gain 4-5 minuts each day. And also some sunshine wouldnt make me mad. Random Thought: I think I hear a pug barking.

Anyway, I will try to post more often. And thank the universe you dont have to deal with 40 below temps

Goodbye 2008

2008-12-31T21:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, this might be rambling and long, as opposed to my tightly wound previous posts. First some random thoughts on the cusp of the New Year ( or new year depending on how you want to approach it )

1. Why are local people always so intent on telling you that 50 below zero isnt all that cold? Its cold ok? I get hometown pride, I really do. And as I type this its 48 below zero. And all the long timers keep telling me... " wait till it hits 60 below. THATS cold." My response? FUCK YOU.
When your snot freezes its cold..ok?

2. 2008 was a mixed bag...but if I was going to grade it for me Id say it was a D- Alot went wrong, and I ended up in Alaska. Good? Bad? Only time will tell, but overall the year sucked on ice. 2009? Well I certainly welcome the chance to have a better year.

3. New Years Resolutions. They stink If you want to lose weight, or quit smoking or whatever, you can do it March as well as January. Resolutions are mindless chatter for mindless people.

4. New years Eve. Overrated. An organized circle jerk so hotels can charge you 12 bucks for 2 dollar bottle of cold duck. As if Christmas wasnt fraught with enough family time, we need another day to have to throw a party? I say you stay home..play Yahtzee and fuck alot...but thats just me.

Ok This post is over More later

X-Mas

2008-12-25T10:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, it would be easy to get all mawkish about it being Christmas day and being far away and blahh blahh blahh. Im not gonna do it. Instead I am going to talk about the here and now. I am still being snubbed by my cousin, but I trudge on. I have a job to do, and thats get my life back together. And no one is going to stop me in that pursuit. I have a child who is depending on me and for his sake alone I will stick it out. I committed to a job and unless she fires me, which she can't do, cause she desperately needs me, I am here to do that job. It is very cold here,but I hear that back home you guys got nailed with a few inches of the white stuff. I would say I felt bad, but its going to be 12 below for a high here today, so there!!.

Christmas seaon here is like anywhere else. Cheesy advertising..year end blockbuster sales...downtown decorated with way too many lights and reindeer. So I guess home IS where the heart is, eh? We wont have sun for another 90 minutes and that part is wierd. They celebrate the Winter Solstice ( 2.6 hours of daylight ) like it was a good thing. I guess its not a bad idea to look your enemies in the eye, laugh at them and buy them a drink. At least you gotta admire their heartiness and resolve. Oh Well.

I am eating some Christmas cookies given to me be a co-worker. It was sweet that she gave them to me. And best of all..they are tasty and good. Wash 'em down with some egg-nog and its a festive event no matter what your zip code is.

Anyway, I have to get to my other cousins house for brunch soon. I miss all of you very much, but I am going to be fine. Merry Christmas to everyone ( and to Poncho..Happy Christmachannaquanzica ) and put some good vibes into the universe for me.

The Quality of Love

2008-12-23T22:53:00.000-08:00

All I am going to say here is that real love is unconditional.... and if you need to look up the definition of unconditional, well maybe you should just move the fuck on

Not a happy camper

2008-12-23T22:10:00.000-08:00

I am, as I write this, not a happy camper. For a million reasons I guess. I am angry at myself first and foremost. I am angry that I am even angry in the first place. My first real mistake is thinking that just cause people are old, they are grown up. I mean fuck, my own life should be a clue that thats not true. 6 or 65 people are subject to temper tantrums. I am too I suppose. I am fighing wars on many fronts, and thats a surefire way to lose a lot of wars. Just ask our soon to be erstwhile President. In many ways I have grown up, and in some I am still a child. But I am not alone in this way. Now child -like is good. Its never a good idea to become so adult that we lose the joy in our life. And I know people who are this way. But childish isnt good. We, and when I say we, I include myself, becuase I am as guilty as anyone, cant admit we are wrong. And one of the truest or all the true-isms out there is Pride goeth before the fall. I mean how hard is it to look at someone we care about and say I was wrong..Im sorry, and just move the hell on? But we dont. We hem and haw and obfuscate and deny guilt. But there is another side of the coin to this little 2 act play. How hard is it to appreciate the effort someone puts into an apology and forgive them? And not gloat? And think we have the upper hand? Well, my cousin is pissed at me again. Now all of you know the last time she got pissed I had to kiss her ass. It was easier because I understood how she could have gotten upset. So I was the bigger person, ( and lord knows its easier to be bigger when someone holds your financial existance in their hands. ) and said I was sorry. This time I did no wrong committed no crime, other than being smarter than her and saying I did not agree with her. Thats all I said .Fin. End of conversation. If she is embarassed, or feels put off because I am right and she is wrong I dont know, because..drumroll please...she isnt talking to me. But this time I am not apologizing..paycheck be dammed. She is acting like a 9 year old who had her pig tails dunked in the inkwell. If it puts a damper on my purpose here, then so be it. It will be her loss. I will admit my wrongs and I have and those who have been wronged know I have. Its never easy. But when you understand that life isnt about getting an upper hand, but co-existing on a level plane, it becomes palatable. And if you arent capable of seeing this..well then I have no use for you. So if someone wants to send this post to my cousin, go ahead. To quote a talented but scuzzy rock and roll chick " Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose " I came to Alaska with pure intentions, but I will not sacrafice whats left of my self respect and dignity. Most of that is already gone anyway.

Fresh Horses for my Men

2008-12-18T22:47:00.000-08:00

Like I said, I like to have fun when I title my posts....anyway, I dont like alot of people. And I used to hang on to my anger, but if I am learning anything 4000 miles away from home is that I cant afford to do that. I am here for while anyway, and I just have to make the best of it. But also, I think that I am getting smarter too. Life is too short to be pissed at people. No on the flip side, many people dont like me, and I have no say so in how they dispense their anger or frustration, but my plea to anyone who keeps all these little battles going is STOP. It messes with your digestive system, not to mention, your mind. Anyway, I dont mean to pontifiacte. I have no basis to be able to tell anyone anything. But a guy can hope. I am learning to ask myself if anything is worth being angry over for more than a few minutes. I can't answer that for my readers, but as for me, from here on out, I am going to try not to let the bullshit ruin my day. There are enough real things to fret over in life to hang on to the trivial.

Swing and a miss

2008-12-17T09:44:00.000-08:00

Well, off all the things I am learning everyday, the most important thing is that the current situation can and will change on a dime. Just when I have a good day, I piss someone off, and just when I think I cant stand eing here another minute, something good happens. Probably has been happening all my life, but I was too stupid to notice, much less care. Without wheels of my own I remain a shut in who works sleeps nbowls and has to bum rides from everyone. Until I secure a car I can forget about chicks. " Hey can I buy you dinner..and can you drive? " just isnt all that suave. And I need all the help I can get in the first place. So the nights remain long and lonely.
But most of that seems to be self inflicted. And some has to to with others I guess too. But we make the choices that affect our lives in the end, so my situation is mostly my own fault.

Weekend doings

2008-12-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

Ok first things first. I bowled Friday night, but this time I had my own equipment. No pink house ball and rental shoes. I bowled a 127 146 153. My average continues to climb slowly so I am sorta proud of that. Yesterday was a fun day. My cousins were worried that I wasnt enjoying the local entertainment scene, so they took me out for shopping, Chineese food and a semi-semipro hockey game. The Fairbanks Ice Dogs at the Big Dipper. Its just what it sounds like. Rowdy raw and high energy. Kids ( 20-25 yrs old ) playing for 50 bucks a game wearing jerseys with the local print shop's name or Gene's Chrysler Jeep. Stuff like that. It was a chippy game won by the Ice Dogs against the Kenai Brown Bears 2-1 in OT. Building holds 3000 people and it was pretty full for a Saturday Night. All the local gimmicks. T-Shirt cannon, raffle drawings and the like. Fairbanks has plenty to do if you have the chance. I lack the cash and the transportation to see the town right, but that will come.

My Old Man

2008-12-11T22:19:00.002-08:00

I have been thinking aout my dad alot recently. That will happen when you are desperately lonely & 4000 miles from anyone who gives a fuck about you. Anyway, if you were lucky enough to have known my dad, well then you know they dont make them like that anymore. On my best day I am not 1/10th the man he was. And frankly ( no pun intended ) I dont know too many men who are either. He cherished his family first and last. He worked his ass off so that our family had whatever we needed and most of what we wanted too. His idea of love was food and shelter and a new bike and whatever else his snotnosed kides wanted. He did not tell me he loved me very much but it was never an issue. When you fell down and hurt yourself he yelled at you because he didnt know how to make it better. He went to work sick or with broken ribs or whatever. He was relentless that way. It came at a price though. He wasnt the play catch kinda dad or take ya to the fishing hole dad either. I did see many roller derby's and AWA wrestling matches that most kids would have loved to have seen these days. I met Bobby Heenan and Ivan Kolov ( not a native Russian in case you were wondering ) and even Jesse Jackson when my Mom wanted me out of the house on a Sunday. He provided more wisdom from his glider in the back yard than any 5 phillosophers ever could have. He was as prejudiced as the day was long and also treated his women loike china dolls. But other than one of his dickhead brothers, I never met anyone who didnt love him. Like I said, on my best day I wasnt worthy to light one of the cigarettes that killed him. To this day, I cant think of bad thing to say about him. How many people can you say that about. When he died they had to wake him for 2 days so that everyone who's life he touched could say goodbye. I wonder what he would say about his youngest son living 4000 miles from his family. Would he be angry? Proud? Some days I think I can answer that. Today I am struggling for an answer.

2008-12-11T22:19:00.001-08:00

Random

2008-12-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

Ok here are some random thoughts I need to get out....

1. Did anyone else grow up thinking they would be someone and realize about age 26-27 that they were just a mundane pile of rhino snot like 99.9% of the rest of the world?

2. If they made a movie of your life who would play you? Im thinking either John Goodman or Jim Belushi....... any comments?

3. Is it OK for guys to like candles? I like them so for me the answer is YES

4. If you could go back to any 1 day in history and be a part of the event what would it be? I would have liked to have been in Philadelphia the day they signed the Declaration of Independence. Not be a signer or anythig like that, just have been in the room when they signed it.

Bang The Drum Slowly

2008-12-10T22:24:00.000-08:00

Music can really affect my life. I may feel shitty and hear a song that turns it all around for me. A note will strike sweet in my ear and a mood can do a 180 degree turn. Now...I hate most new music, but you will hear a song on the radio from time to time that touches you. The song that did it for me recently was In this Life by an Ausie Hottie named Delta Goodrem. She looks like a Trisha Yearwood/Heidi Klum mix and man can she sing. But the lyrics touched me. Check it out and see if it does the same for you

Just what are we capable of?

2008-12-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

How expensive is money? What is our soul worth? Do we even have a fucking soul to sell, or auction or give away? And just who sets the market price anyway? I ask because just when we think we reached our limit to deal with the crap flung our way we find that reserve tank. Kinda like 1960's Volkswagon Beatles. I have moments when I wonder just what the fuck I am doing up here, and if I havent made the third biggest mistake of my life. Then that is followed by clarity and a peace that maybe you will make it work afterall. Then I wonder just what I did with the first 47.2 years of my life, and what am I gonna do with whatever time the universe will grant me. Then..........I pass out from all that thinking and wake up in FAIRBANKS. And I take a leak, have a smoke and get back to my job. Like everybody else, except maybe I contemplate more than the average Joe....who knows? And probably more importantly Who cares?

It was only a matter of time

2008-12-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

This picture came from the University of Alaska Fairbanks Student Center. I guess the women of the university grew tired of my all night peeping

I want answers

2008-12-09T20:25:00.000-08:00

You know, I look at alot of internet porn. In fact I look at enough porn for 10 guys, but who decided that a naked girl pourng milk over her tits was sexy? I've seen it 1000 times and all I think is " what a waste of mik " Same with sand. A naked girl with sand sticking to her ass or whatever is not a sexy look for me. Now I will admit I am not a water/beach kinda guy, but the sand does nothing for me. I just thought my readers would want to know that

Crow Cliche's and Cold Medicine

2008-12-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I blog the best part is naming the post. I dont know why, sometimes I crack myself up. Anyhoo, I made nice with the person Im offended. Turnes out they were more scared than pissed off. I have brought this up before, but the older I get the more the cliche's end up being true. Maybe its because I am far from home base, and I am paying more attention, and therefore paying attention to the callings of the universe. Maybe..maybe not. But when I break during the day to smoke and enjoy some of the ever shrinking daylight hours we get ( today we had less than 3 hours between official sunrise and sunset. Jesus H Christ ) an old wives tale urban legend or cliche will pop into my head. Of course then I wonder if I will ever live to see the day when " A stitch in time saves nine " is proven.

I have a cold. A nasty one. But calling in sick is not an option. I am too new to the job to do that so I load up on Ibuprophen and Dayquill. It gets me through the day is all I can say. It makes sleeping difficult, but with 30-40 degree temp swings each day its easy to get sick.

I am frustrated on my job because thinking is not encouraged. Employees are taught to do everyday tasks and when anything requiring though occurs we are to ask for help. I am not sure of the genisis of this management style, but it is frustrationg to be sure. I am not a johnny come lately, and I have brains to spare, but its not a quality that is revered in my job. Oh well. The paychecks clear the bank so I guess I should shut the fuck up.

Walking in others shoes

2008-12-07T11:17:00.000-08:00

First of all, before I begin to pontificate, I bowled really well Friday 146 142 178. Just wanted to get that out there. I have a big mouth. And whats worse I have a quick big mouth. I would save myself, as I am sure we all would, if we waited 5 seconds to think about what we say before we say it. But what really hacks me off is when people take offense to things yousay that were not even remotely offensive. So you have to swallow your pride, eat some crow, and apologize when you have nothing to aplogize for. I had this happen to me recently, and for the life of me I cannot understand how I offended. But I did. Its frustrating. But we dont get to speak and interpret our words. Sure, sometimes things come out wrong, or get twisted in the translator, but for a guy who has had to go hat in hand to people many times, this time I am puzzled. Oh well, live and learn.

I am still stymied by not having a car, and it makes life tougher than I think it needs to be. But I cannot afford one, so I grab rides where I can. Its not my nature to burden others, but I have no choice. Again..I am frustrated. But options are limited. Maybe in time I will be able to buy a junker. We will see.

Well I need to get ready for work. I work everyday and in alot of ways it has saved me from going crazy. or has it? Again tme will tell

A tiger in your tank

2008-12-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

Each day is a learnig experience and a journey. I am learning to take nothing for granted. I havent always lived this way, but its becoming a way of life for me. I learn alot but its comming slowly. I am frustrated because I cant fly, but I forget I have to learn how to walk first. I want to be a success so badly I can taste it, but you cant buy knowledge....you have to just fucking learn.
I have learned this however. If you hang with bitter negative miserable people you become bitter negative and miserable. Trust me, it happened to me. You have to be carefull who you cast your lot with. We get blinded by the sizzle. We lose track of who and what is important. Why? Because we want to belive and we want to think we are above all the shit. But we arent really. At least Im not. I dont want to speak for others. I fall for whats not important. What does that make me? Shallow? Empty? Or am I human? You can judge me but look inward before you do ok? We all make mistakes right?

Ya gotta wonder sometimes

2008-12-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

Ok I havent posted in a while for various reasons. But here I am for those who still care. Life deals you surprises, or what you think at the time are surprises. When you reflect back, you realize that the surprise should have been expected. Now, I am not claiming perfection by any means. In fact I struggle for mediocrity most days. You wonder why you did what you did, or why you felt the way you felt. You pay a price so steep sometimes you wonder why you ever got involved in the first place. I recently was presented with life's bill for some past errors. I take full responsibility, but you have to wonder why the fuck you do what you do sometimes. My circle gets smaller every day, and some of my chickens have come home to roost. You try to do what is right, but our emotions get the best of us at times. But, in the final summation, I have decided that life is too short to worry about that crap. You pay your bill, and you move on. As I stated in an earlier post, you always have casualties in a war, and the body count in my personal war with life gets bigger every day. I have dissapointed many people in my life. Some just once and others over and over and over and over and so on. But as we say in recovery..If you have one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow you are pissing on today. And when the dealing is done, as Kenny Rogers said, there will be time enough for counting. I have apologized my whole life to those I have wronged. I have come to the conclusion that some people are just gonna hate you no matter what you do. I no longer have the energy for those people. I came here to start over, but starting over has to be more than just a symbol. It requires real change. I stand at the chasim of yesterday and tomorrow. I refuse to piss on today anymore. It just takes too much outa me.

I havent forgotten the little people

2008-11-22T19:48:00.000-08:00

Ok..so none of us are little people..I just havent posted in a few days, but I have gotten home from work very late ( tonite not so much ) and have not had the energy to think, much less, type. The week has gone well. I have learned alot, and am getting more comfortable each day. I still have miles and miles to go, but I feel the vehicle is pointed in the right direction. I saw a fox the other day, and I thought it was a wolf. Hey fox..wolf..what's the fucking difference. I never got close enough to him to ask for ID. Suffice it to say, there arent alot of foxes in Arlington heights. I bowled again last night, and made steady, if not, meteoric progress. 131 124 143. I made some good shots and some bad ones, but my averege has zoomed to 123. Look out Marshall Holman. Meanwhile, we havent seen the good side of Zero in a week now, but I wont go into that. I am going to relax tonight..have a pizza and try to sleep through the night. Its been tough. The time change. The lifestyle change. Leaving behind friends and loved ones. New jobs. The unseen future. All kinds of stuff that makes for an interesting stew of uncertainty. Life, you might call it. I guess I would have to call it life as well. Adios from the worn end of week 2 in Alaska. Dear God. Its me Charlie.

More Broken Promises

2008-11-19T23:19:00.000-08:00

Ok I promised not to bitch too much about the weather, but its going to be 3o below tonite. Thats right..30 below. Now today's high was -11. The high. - 11. The high. Getting the picture? Its cold. My lungs are fighting not to freeze. I really have no words to describe how cold -30 really is. And I am never at a loss for words. -30. Think about it. I think my all time low temprature wise was January of 1981 it hit -28. Once. for like 6 minutes. Ok Im done bitching about the weather. For today anyway.

DeGamma...De Soto & De....Vokoun?

2008-11-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

Ok so Im not an immortal explorer. But if you know me, you know that I love to drive aroud in a new place and get my bearings. You know..find the 7-11's or mini-marts. Check out to see if they have a Waffle House or a Sonic Drive In..stuff like that. Fairbanks.....ah well Fairbanks has none of the above. Or a Best Buy for that matter.But there are adequate choices for department & grocery store items. They Have Jiffy Lubes and Blockbuster Video stores. They also have an ungodly amount of hardware stores and the like. See people up here never throw shit away. They just fix it. There is a survival instinct that is somewhat foreign to me, but then again I might be the worlds unhandiest man, so maybe my view is skewed a wee bit.

So time keeps moving and I remain up here in the Land that Progress forgot. But the people are still nice and more importantly..I still have a job. I will check in tomorrow with more from,as my cousin calls it " The End of the Highway "

Sorry Faithfull Reader(s)

2008-11-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

Monday was so busy that I got home and crawled into bed. I did not post last night. Another great day in the office. Learing new stuff and trying to prove my worth to my boss, which is no easy task.

I am dealing with shit all over the country as we speak. You dont travel this far and not leave behind some slop. Good news......it will all pass and can only get better. Bad news.....there are always casualties. And like any war, the plan is to achive victory with the fewest amount of innocent victims getting hurt. I have my hopes, but no one gets out unscathed.

I try like hell not to bitch about the weather, but todays high is slated to be a balmy -6. Lows overnight this week are going to dip to -25. If any of my friends want to send wool socks or some long undies, I wouldnt refuse the package..

Listen for the silence

2008-11-17T01:11:00.000-08:00

When you undertake new endeavors you are always on shaky footing. Despite having skills in th earea, you have to listen for the silence. Its the way a road sports team knows it is going to win. You take the crowd out of the game and you know you are on the road to victory. Now to apply this thinking to moi, I have been doing accounting of one kind or another since 1980, so I know my craft. But I am 4200 miles from my loved ones......I know NO ONE other than my cousins, and I am very much the road team here. But as I completed a whole week of work tonite, I heard the confidence in my cousins voice tonight asd we laid out the rest of the week. It was a great sund. Gone was the trepidation of Wednesday or Thursday..... replaced by a tone that signaled that I was not some Johnny Come Lately, but someone she could trust. I didnt say anything to her, but I sensed a relief in her voice that she knew that I could do the job. And who doesnt crave that confidence from their employer? I am off to bed tonight knowing that I can compete in this territory..and that I can be a major player for her. To quote Jesse " The Body " Ventura when he was flexing his biceps on some shitty AWA wrestling show in the late 70's...
I am so great I can hardly believe it myself!!!!!!!!! Tonight all is right with the world

7 days does not a week make

2008-11-16T00:09:00.001-08:00

Tonight as I got to bed I complete my 7th night as an Alaskian..Alaskanite..Alaskonian?? Not really sure how we cold weather mavens refer to ourselves, I reflect on the surrealistic events that have taken over my life. Despite my efforts, I have not banged Sarah Palin yet. To be honest, I havent had a chance to find the woman, much less bed her down. Work has been a mixed bag. I know so much, and yet have so much to learn. My cousin is a wonderfull woman burdened by the realities of dealing with employees. She trusts no one, and yet feels responsible for her charges. Its an interesting shaddow dance. I, being a cynic by nature, also feel that employees will take the proverbial mile when offered that historical inch. However, in my professional life, I have yet to encounter the myriad of ways that hourly employees can sqirm out of doing the work they are paid to do. I am trying to remain neutral, but even I can see the effort put into screwing the boss. It is both funny and frustrating. Oh well. I am exhausted and need what I will refer to as my beauty sleep. I want to thank Eddie and Poncho for the comments. You make me laugh. I hope I can return the favor.

Hear me now...Believe me later

2008-11-15T02:06:00.000-08:00

Ok so as a bowler I make a fine accountant. I was indeed a girley man.....my scores were 78 124 & 144 for a mind blowing average of 115. I did meet some nice people and we managed to split our series ( 3 games and total series ) so the night wasnt a total loss. While I am competitive by nature, I realize that games of skill are indeed made up of that...skill. I have had my moments of glory on the lanes, but I wore a much younger mans clothes then. At the tender age of 47 my knees creek, my hamstrings groan and my back is but one bad twist away from being in traction.
78 you say? Still in awe of that? I had one mark. I threw a gutter ball on both my first and second shots of the 9th frame, and as I watched my manhood shrivel up and die, I did rebound for 2 games that can best be desribed as uneventful. Bowling.....what can I say but FIE on you....
Now to be honest I did all this with a PINK house ball and rental shoes ( my finances will not allow for equipment of my own just yet ) but A 78 IS A 78 IS A 78 no matter how you try to spin it. Earl Anthony...we barely knew ye!!!!!!!!

Who is Vod Kaknockers?

2008-11-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

I cant speak for anyone else, but stupid funny ship pops into my head at odd times and sometimes will make me smile and other times will make me spit out my coffee. The headline on this post was the name of a Two and a Half Men epiosde 2 years ago. This AM as I get ready to move into my new diggs, those words made me spit my coffee out. Laughter like that is a good sign, because being far away from my loved ones and roots, I need to laugh out loud every now and then. The options to that are not good, and I wont talk about them here.

What was the genisis of the thought you ask? Well some things remain between me and my bartender if you will. Have a good day to my readers and those who might stumble in by accident.

Keep on Keeping on

2008-11-14T00:14:00.000-08:00

Well as the days roll by things fall into place for me. I got the high sign on my apartment lease which is a relief, because my credit looks like the inside of a rabid dogs intestines. Its a furnished place with a 5 month lease. It gives me an out if I need it, but I dont have to waste what little money I have on shit like cable..or a bed....or a couch.

Things at worl are falling into place. My cousin is old school, which is good and bad. She has fixed ways she wants things done, but she knows that I have alot to offer. So we are working on a balance. She is very nice to her employees, until they fuck with her. Then she will cut you off. I know alot of employers who are like that. Its really all you can ask for as an employee.

Today we hovered around ZERO all day, but I saw the Alaskan sun for the first time. It was for only about an hour, but it made this town glisten. Well it made the parking lot of the bowling alley glisten anyway. Tomorrow night I bowl in a league for the first time and I am scared shitless. I suck at bowling, like I do at most sports, and these guys will all be strangers. Im not from here, so maybe they will be leery of me to start with. Time to summon the charm. I will say FUCK alot and try to misdirect their attentions from my immense suckiness. I promise to report my scores honestly.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls

2008-11-12T23:43:00.001-08:00

Well, one thing remains constant no matter where you go and that is death. My cousin's step daughter died this AM after a lengthy and ultimately unsuccessful struggle with cancer. She was in her early 40's. I never met her, but when death touches those near you, it cant help but touch you. It should remind us all that we are all here for the moment, and we can't take for granted oppurtunities we are presented with.

My day was great. I am getting into the meat of my new job. There is much to learn. I am confident and cautious. I need to learn alot abot the bowling game. As I mentioned earlier, there are many facets to it. Plus, there are alot of personalities involved. Co-workers, customers vendors etc. I am polishing up my people skills. I am aimiable by nature, but I have never been political about it. I am a stranger in a strange land, to be sure, so I am keeping my ears open and my mouth shut.

I started a Blog....

2008-11-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

I know its corny, but whenever I log in to this blog, that old Bee Gees song runs through my head. And yes people, the joke truely is on me!!!!!!

The tank is on empty

2008-11-11T23:01:00.000-08:00

Whew..... I am older than I thought. I started work @ 1:00 and went till 9:00 The plan wa s for me to go a few hours longer, but I faded. Like the '69 Cubs, or a nun on a hayride. But today I did some real good things. I came to Alaska to make a difference and I felt myself doing just that. I have been an accountant for 28 years, but know nothing about the bowling business. And not that it is brain surgey, but there alot of different spokes comming out from the hub. Snack bar, bar bar, locker rental, vending revenue, tournament hosting, league bowling....onandonandonandon. I am confident I can marry my accounting experience with an abilty to learn fast and make a difference again. I have had moments in the sun before but always managed to sabatoge my own gains. Stupid comments, stupid actions, dissapointing results. Its enough to make you want to heave.

The pace here is sooooo much slower than Chicago. People have things to do and places to go, but not everyone is racing to get there. Even ina loud and bustling setting like a bowling alley, there is a calmness and self awareness that things can wait a few seconds until they jolly-well get there to do it. I see myself mellowing out down the line to fit this pace, and believe me, it will help me live longer. There is a whole lot less of a whole lot of things here than in Chi-town. But in alot of ways there is so much more than I ever dreamed imagineable. And 1 last thought. Its awfull hard to kill a grizzly bear with a water pistol.

Suzi Alaska????

2008-11-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

Ok so today is for real. 12 hour work days, getting my apartment lined up. Puting on chapstick. Yes it is cold here, but worse, its very dry. Now those in the know, know I am hard of smelling. I would make a lousy mine worker, casue I would never smell the gas leaks..resulting in a crushing death. But here, my nose is constantly dry, so I drink more diet coke. Thank god its freebie while I am on the clock. But back to the chapstick. I paid 1.99 for a product knows as Alaska..a chapstick knock off made from Alaska petroleum products. Well I am all for supporting the local economy. But this little beauty saved my ass. Not that I plan on doing alot of kissing here, but you have to be prepared. I look out my window as see..well nothing. The sun wont be up here for about another 150 minutes. Its ok though, casue I have to SSS ( shit shower shave ) anyway.

Ok I know what you are gonna say

2008-11-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

Engagement: Cook and Ball

This in an actual engagement listing from today's Fairbanks News Miner the daily newspaper. I did not doctor the headline. And I know I didnt invent this form of comedy, but it always makes me laugh. 1. The couple doesnt realize how this will read in the paper? 2. Who cares that Ms Cook is marrying Mr Ball. 3. Insert your own cooked balls joke here.

Man oh Man

2008-11-10T18:21:00.000-08:00

Wow..the 3 hour time change has kicked me right in the balls I am exhausted. I ended up working today for about 3 hours. It felt good to be productive. Its cold here and thats all I have to say about that. My son and I are going through a difficult time. Me leaving has re-ignited all his abandonement fears, and I dont blame the kid. It sucks for him, cept to say he will at least be eating hot meals under different tutalage. Oh yeah he has his own ride now ( mine ) The people here are very nice, and when you leave 9 million people for 65 thousand you forget that people have manners and arent looking to push you out of the way to get out of an elevator, or to wait in line for sushi.

Day 1/2

2008-11-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

I was so tired last night I didn't do justice to yesterday, and it was too important a day to half-ass. It may take me a few days to get out my feelings about the move. First of all I love airports and flying. I like to people watch, and where can you find a tastier collection of wierdos than at an airport. And yesterday was no different. No one stood out, cept maybe the skinhead with the 3 foot spike mohawk. Not my cup of tea, but to each his own. I have so much to do. Buy some coffee seems to be at the head of the list. I start my new job tomorrow so today will be spent buying some things I forgot to buy before I left. Exciting I know. My mind is going in a million directions right now, and sans coffee, I cannot seem to coral any of the threads. Be back a little later.

Touchdown!!!

2008-11-10T01:58:00.000-08:00

Well I am in Alaska. Wheels down in Fairbanks @11:43 local time. The flight was pleasant after a small mishap @ the security gate and a chatty guy in the seat next to me. Had a nice dinner, warm nuts and hot towel. I went outside to meet my cousin who was picking me up and it was -10 Yep 10 below fucking zero. Now I dont want to make this blog a referendum on the weather, but 10 below is 10 below. When I get my energy back I will write more, but in the meantime I am having a diet coke and watching local TV news. Goodnight Frank & Lea wherever you are

Just for the record

2008-11-09T04:49:00.000-08:00

I leave in 11 hours for...well who knows what really. I am a little overwhelmed today as I put the finishing touches on my packing and look around this place one last time. I feel a little like the last episode of a long running sit-com where the star look over the set one last time before turning off the lights, or closing the door or whatever they do on final episodes. I know what you are saying...for every door that closes another opens and all that malarkey, and somewhere deep in my cynical heart I guess I wouldn't be traveling to the outer reaches of America if I didn't believe that. It is cold and gray this AM here in Illinois. I am sure it will be colder and grayer in Alaska, but never mind that now. Weather is a state of mind, or so I have been told. They say ( there goes THEY opening their big mouths again ) you are only as cold as your mind allows you to be. Well I am sure the makers of winter coats and really warm gloves would disagree. Oh well back to my sit-com finale.

Thanks Eddie

2008-11-08T19:22:00.001-08:00

Eddie..my man my guy Thanks for being the first..no one can ever take that from you....of course that and a fucking nickel will buy you..................................NOTHING

Nut cutting time

2008-11-08T19:08:00.001-08:00

Nut cutting time was one of those stuipid phrases we used as kids. I am leaving for Fairbanks in less than 18 hours...so it is indeed Nut Cutting time..in the valley no less.....dont ask, It would take too much time to explain

Remember?

2008-11-08T13:28:00.000-08:00

Remember 10-10 long distance calling plans from the 1990's? What ever happened to them?

Remember the Mc DLT from Mickey D's? The hot side was hot and if I recall correctly, the cool side was cool.

Remember life before cellphones? You could drive in your car and sing with the music real loud without the fear of missing a call or text. And if you needed to get ahold of someone you stopped at a gas station and..wait for it......found a Payphone. So privacy is the price we have paid to be accessible 24/7. Well that and those " Can you hear me now? " commercials

And while I am thinking of it, remember the bag phone? The brick phone? Hell for that matter, the Bone-a-phone.

A Crusade

2008-11-08T13:19:00.000-08:00

If the remainder of my life accomplishes anything, I want it to bring the phrase " Stick It " back into popular usage.

Example

Fred : Hey your Cubs sure took it on the chin last night.

Bob: Hey Fred, Stick It!!

Help me out here people, wont you?

You know what THEY say

2008-11-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

Who are THEY? And how come THEY talk so much? But more disturbingly, why do WE care?

A Few of my Favorite Things

2008-11-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

The West Wing ( Seasons 1-4 & Season 7 )
Sports Night
Singing Karaoke ( Pronounced Carry-Oh-Key not Ca-roke-e )
Road Trips
Big Gulps ( 48 thirsty ounces of Diet Coke )
Air America Radio
The MSNBC Nightly Line-up
Murder on The Orient Express
John Powers Novels ( semi-autobiographical )

Thanks in Advance

2008-11-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

There are 2 special people in Alaska who I want to thank, in advance, for their faith in me. I dont know if they will ever read this, but KS & KL I wont let you down.

Just wondering..Just in case

2008-11-08T09:38:00.001-08:00

Being no stranger to 12 step programs, I wonder...is there a BlogAnoyn? If so, whats their toll free number? And lastly, Jane, how do you stop this crazy thing?

Dont ask!!!

2008-11-08T09:33:00.000-08:00

Its random at best to be sure. But its a special gift to a special person

My Left Wing Heros Part Duex

2008-11-08T09:15:00.001-08:00

Rachel Maddow..a close second in my heart. Even if she plays for the other team!!!

My Left Wing Heros

2008-11-08T09:13:00.001-08:00

My love for this woman is Limitless. Stephanie Miller is the Left Wing Goddess

Ok I get it

2008-11-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

I can see where this can be addictive. Not only the posting, but the reading of other blogs. I will resits the urge to rant & rave, but I am moving to a place where Sarah Palin is the big cheese. I guess better my new Governor than my new V-P. I am a HUGE liberal, but not to the point of excluding the other point of view. I listen to Stephanie Miller, Ed Schultz and Rachel Maddow but to hear the other side I do try to stomach a few minutes of Laura Ingraham Michael Savage and Hugh Hewitt. While they often make me want to throw up, its is always good to hear the other side of the argument. Go Barack Go Joe and Go USA!!!!

Why? Read on and you will learn

2008-11-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

In the interest of full disclosure, I have never been in Billings MT. It merely symbolizes a huge change in my life. I am moving from Chicago to Fairbanks AK, and though I would have loved to drive there, my 1997 Jeep would have died somewhere around LaCrosse WI. So I am flying to Fairbanks to start my life over. I leave behind my a life that could best be described as a mixed bag of success and failure. All self-inflicted. If you get nothing out of reading this blog, understand that I am not a finger pointer. I have had wonderful things happen to me that I take pride in. And I have had shitty things happen to me that I take responsibility for. It is as simple as that. Oh yeah why Billings? Well anyone who knows me knows that since I got my first drivers license in 1977 my one goal was to drive the USA coast to coast. So you know, since no one goes to Alaska without either WANTING to go there, or has made a serious error in navigation, my fictionional cross- country driving trip should have landed me in Seattle or some other west coast haven. I have a new job waiting for me, along with a pair of very supportive cousins. I never dreamed I would leave this area, and there are many realtionships that will be affected, but frankly, thats none of your business. Maybe as this blog evolves, so will my desire to share details. In the meantime I will leave you with this. Alex.....in a way I hope you understand, this move is for you. You know how I feel about you, and visa versa. Matt....thanks for being a better big brother than I ever gave you credit for. Mis.....if everone had a sister like you, this world would truely be a better place. What I owe you cant be measured, and I will never be able to repay you. My plan to do so is to be a success and redeem your faith in me. I can't even the score with money, so I will do it with actions. Linda, Brent, Scott & Rachelle.....your love and support has meant so much to me and I thank you. There remains one name missing from this list. She knows who she is and she knows what she means to me. If this move accomplishes nothing else, I want to help remove fears that she will choke to death in the middle of the night so she can streamline her communications. Ms. Broctune, and for now thats how I plan to refer to her, I love you. In closing this opening entry, future posts wont be so long ( Promise ) and will be a mish-mash of my oddesey to Alaska, the re-building of a promising life, reflections and rememberances of the past, triumphs and tribulations in the present, and the hopes and.....another word that starts with H, for the future. I am a 47 year old silly smart-ass who has a 3rd or 4th chance ( I lose count ) to make good on what everyone one once sure was gonna be a doozy of a life. I will try to be honest with the reader. I will accept critique and/or praise. Other names of those who have shaped my life will appear in the future. If I didnt mention you here, its only because I am starting to get bored with my own ramblings. Thanks for listening