Ya gotta wonder sometimes

Ok I havent posted in a while for various reasons. But here I am for those who still care. Life deals you surprises, or what you think at the time are surprises. When you reflect back, you realize that the surprise should have been expected. Now, I am not claiming perfection by any means. In fact I struggle for mediocrity most days. You wonder why you did what you did, or why you felt the way you felt. You pay a price so steep sometimes you wonder why you ever got involved in the first place. I recently was presented with life's bill for some past errors. I take full responsibility, but you have to wonder why the fuck you do what you do sometimes. My circle gets smaller every day, and some of my chickens have come home to roost. You try to do what is right, but our emotions get the best of us at times. But, in the final summation, I have decided that life is too short to worry about that crap. You pay your bill, and you move on. As I stated in an earlier post, you always have casualties in a war, and the body count in my personal war with life gets bigger every day. I have dissapointed many people in my life. Some just once and others over and over and over and over and so on. But as we say in recovery..If you have one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow you are pissing on today. And when the dealing is done, as Kenny Rogers said, there will be time enough for counting. I have apologized my whole life to those I have wronged. I have come to the conclusion that some people are just gonna hate you no matter what you do. I no longer have the energy for those people. I came here to start over, but starting over has to be more than just a symbol. It requires real change. I stand at the chasim of yesterday and tomorrow. I refuse to piss on today anymore. It just takes too much outa me.